update

Tuesday, January 27, 2009
just breathe
everyday you see the same buildings
the same faces
it's an endless cycle
soon it feels like the walls are closing in on you
slowly but surely
close your eyes and breathe
the sky is in constant motion
the clouds are never the same
and with each passing second you take a new breath of life
life that is different why? beacuse you just lived that second
and there's not a second like that again
where you did the same thing were you stood at the same place said the same thing
so calm down and just breathe

Monday, January 26, 2009
what money can't buy
it's sad to think about the things that you don't have and can't have
the things that you can't buy although you wish you could
materialistic or not
a person that you can't get your mind off of
they seem so close but when you reach out to them they're millions of miles away
when you think about what you can't have
you want to change yourself so that you can have them
it's simple to change into someone you're not
but can i have you then?
will you turn your head in my direction again?
will you hold me, kiss me like you did?
somehow i just think that you're never really gonna look my way
never really see me again as anything else than a GOOD friend
but maybe it's just not the right time
maybe it's just not meant to be right at this moment
a swirl of emotion mixes through you when you see someone else with what you want
envy anger sorrow confusion although this may not be our time
i long to have what i can't this could just be my ray of light that i hold on to
wishing that it's just not our time instead of thinking it's something that will not happen

Friday, January 23, 2009
break out of the endless circle
i honestly don't give a fuck anymore
i don't care if i'm not surround by billions of people at a time
those people i call "friends"
i found out that we were close only back then but back then is over now
and so we are people that simply share good memories with each other
people that are on good terms
i don't want to go out every single day
and party it up
days that were fill with the beach park
days filled with raves, hotel parties, house parties
overloaded with drugs and alcohol
i'm done i'm over it i think i can live above it all now
because now i rarely want to come out
there's nothing to do the "fun" has ended
i'm making a shortcut from all the way out there back to my road
the road i've strayed from for a long time
i'm on lockdown my personal lockdown
no more staying out no more poison no more endless fights about curfew with my
parents no more conforming to the crowd
i'm done i'm ready to break free
go back to how things used to be
i can create a new kind of fun
i'm ready to take on the world in the comfort of my home
i'm tired so i need to rest
i need to be clean
i want to be clean
inside and out
i want to go back to the days my grades were good, were my parents praised me and
did not worry so much, were my real friends and i planned cute activities like picnics.
i'm ready so are you?


Friday, January 16, 2009
painting a life story
just strive to be a better person
we're starting off with a empty canvas
don't you want to paint a breathtaking picture
or would you rather paint a picture filled with lies
no matter what colors you use
the observer can see the essence of the painter
the mood the feeling the thoughts of the painter is portrayed
by the brush strokes
open your heart and pour out something that i can drink in
every phase
every moment in life
is captured.
you are putting your life story down for the world to see with a simple picture
a simple movement by the wrist
it shows the paths you've walked.



so paint with truth.



Saturday, January 10, 2009
oh the endless sea of posibilities
words are decieving as are people,
so how do you know when that sliver of truth comes out?
trust in the person
have faith that they are telling the truth.
it's not as easy as it sounds.
my foundation has been shaken
and it is now eroding,
crumbling away as the days pass.
where is the rain to turn this dirt into mud?
someone something help me fix my failing base.
with time
do you think that my foundation will once again be as strong?
or will it falter and break?
so many questions run through my mind
as i try to figure out what is running through yours.
do i listen to the others around me the ones that are just trying to protect me
or do i stay in this darkness just holding on to my image of you?
had i have been shielded from this possibility i would have been oblivious to the signs right?
maybe i'm just picking it out now because it's in my mind now.
if this were a game i think the level would be at difficult or expert
i'm just trying to find the right solution.
hopefully this is all a dream and at the end of this story,
there will be a happy ending.
oh the endless possiblities
there are so many ways to tackle this thing down
but there's only a few ways to keep everything all good while finding my answer.
i shudder a bit as i think the bad
but my mind aways seems to be drifting there
like i'm jynxing myself.
does there really need to be drama?
why can we just stay happy and content without it?
i think
too hard sometimes
i overthink and it breaks me
i should just stop thinking and sink away
as the background melts away with my wall
then nothing will trouble me.

then i could just disappear.




Monday, January 05, 2009
sing it loud
you and i should start composing a song
start singing together
your voice and mine put together will pour out a simple but sweet melody
if you only knew
and i only knew
what lies within
harmony<>melody
that's how it is
we'll start with one note
a pure note then we'll add more one by one until we piece toghether a song
a song from the very core of our being
when people hear us they'll stop and say
"damnnn this song right here is dope"
"this song right here is sickk~"
"this song is simple but it captures the heart of all"
that's our song
no this isn't for the fame or the fortune
it's just for us so we can show the world who we are
damnn straight
our song is gonna touch the soul

Saturday, January 03, 2009
the earth is holding us up from falling into the universe
there is a change occuring
i'm growing up bit by bit. there's more self control in my life now i can say no without regretting the answer i have just spoken. i can stand by my decision longer than i have ever have before. slowly i realize that it doesn't matter how many friends you have but how close you are with them. can you share the tiny details of your life with them? share all those secrets that you've kept inside for so long? no longer do i care if i can't hang out with my friends every single day every waking moment. i know there is a time for friends and a time for family and a time for yourself. i shake my head at my former self sometimes because i would do anything to stay out and do everything thing with the people i wanted to be friends with. they were like my drugs. but when you look at it we didn't do anything productive or anything in particular. it was mostly sitting around and talking, drinking, a makeout fest for the drunks. cigarettes were always lit and clouds of smoke always floated around us. recently the old group broke up a lot of us stay at home and the ones that do come out have moved on to harder drugs. scenesters to ravers. i guess we tumbled downward. in addition to drinking and smoking little pills that fall from the rainbow also accompany us. i've done things that made me think and wonder why am i so far down now? how did i get this way? it's like a fell into a trance. drugs are so good they controlled my movements. i don't see what's so bad about them. i pop pills in school out of school at home at the mall along with those special days were we'd all go to the beach park and drink like the old days. i guess we were better then more clean drugwise back then. it seems like a long time ago in a different time but it's only been a year or two. a lot can happen. i think i've aged more than i should have. learning about life about death. i didn't think things like this existed here on our small island but it does. a wake up call. i'm waking up now slowly out of this dream, or nightmare. i'm getting over it. so what if i can't go out everyday? so what if i don't do the same activities as my other friends? we all have our own stories to tell and one day we'll sit at our spot at the beach park and tell each other how life has been. we'll laugh at the good times and cry a little at the bad times. we go through so much as a teen as a kid living in the world today. people don't seem to understand that though. we're not stupid but sometimes we can make stupid choices. i think everyone has even the adults. no matter how old you think you are trust me you're not old enough. there's so much things to learn places to go don't fall off the face of the earth as another kid who was fucked up in the head. you're better than that because you still have life in you. you have the power to make a change to fix yourself up and stand tall.
i'm growing up bit by bit. control the emotions that tends to fill me up. let's not get too crazy now. you and me i can't say i've ever loved you but i liked you. sorry for the lie that spilled out of my mouth back then. there was no love between me and my exs. nope just a like. it's experimenting so that when i do find the person i love i will know why. if you don't know what kind of guy you're looking for to live out your life with how are you gonna find him?take it easy now. floatdown the river of peace for a bit beacuse you'll get to a drop that will shake things up. life has it's turns. smooth sailing i believe will make you a weaker person. the shit we go through now we'll learn from hopefully i can't say 100% because it's not the case for all people. love. lust. friends. enemies. it seems like a hell but in the end it really is a paradise. control your lips control your hands control your mind. don't stray again if you have returned from your demons because i'm trying so hard to get away and at times i'm losing. why would you return to this hell? learn it once. learn the pain learn the lost then don't do it again. there's a difference between stupid and dumb. you can become smart when your dumb but if you're stupid. boy you're done for. so i do not believe that any of you are stupid at this point because i know that you'll learn. see even if a stranger like me believes in you then you are someone special. you give off a aura of good and of hope. no one is worthless. people though seem to be oblivious of that statement. if they only knew...let's light up the world. if it's as bleak as you say it is then let it up. everyone hold a lit candle. wouldn't that be a sight to see? if everyone in the world was holding a lit candle. the earth would be glowing against the darkness. ah one day your dreams will come true and so will mine. so keep your head up because the world isn't going to bring you down. it's made to hold us up from falling in the universe.
a change is occuring so take ahold of it and believe.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008
rain on me
a rose is blooming
slowly but surely that rose will become the most beautiful flower
but there seems to be something stopping it's growth
doubt
worry
fear
what if when it blooms it does not live up to the expectation of beauty
the rain hasn't fallen for days
there is no moisture to help the rose grow
there is no nutrients
as doubt grows stronger
the rose begins to wither
it struggles trying to keep on blooming
to reach it's potential beauty
but the question is will it?
it's growing now fighting doubt
what if another flower beats me to it?
what if another flower surpasses my beauty?
please clouds rain on me
help me grow
selfish?
yes but i want to be the flower that the sky falls in love with
the flower the earth the people the animals
fall in love with
and most of all i want to be that one special flower that captures the heart
of the perfect couple.


Saturday, December 13, 2008
replacable
R E P L A C A B L E
dolls with missing arms
toys with missing parts
little hotrod cars with missing wheels
puzzles with missing pieces
replacable
so easily replacable

Saturday, December 13, 2008
arrows downward
find me singing in the center crowded place
oblivious to who and what is around me


v
find me smiling at all times of the day or night
mask the sadness or truly smiling with the bottom of my heart


v
find me dancing in the middle of the dance floor
music beating heart pumping dance until you can't dance anymore


v
no matter what the circumstance
find me one way or another


v
no matter the mood i'm in
find me and tell me a phrase that is special to you


v
no matter the phrase
it's meaning it holds is far greater than anything else in the world


v
so keep it safekeep it special and dear to you.


Monday, December 08, 2008
WARNING!!
danger danger do you know what you're getting yourself into?
here's a girl that will chase hard for the one she likes
but when the chase is over and she got what she was chasing for
she's tired and wants to move on
she likes you one moment and the next
she'll find flaws in you that she can't stand
she'll hold you tight and let you go within a second
SO HOW do you know she won't do this to you?
no it's not when she holds your hand
or gives you a kiss
it's when
she calls you or texts you
she smile happily with just the thought of you
and when your name appears on the screen of her phone
her eyes will twinkle and her cheeks flush pink
the things you give her she holds dear
she constantly misses you
she snuggles whatever she has of you as she falls asleep at night
THEN you'll know that you're someone she wants to hold on to
she'll learn to love your flaws because they're what makes you
and boy you have got to be someone special to be hers
because her standards are set high and she knows exactly what she wants
so this warning is a signal to you
if you're not up to the chase then just don't bother


Monday, December 01, 2008
because you will remember one day
the memories we made together
the ones in out hearts and the still memories we took
when i look back i miss those times
we did absolutely nothing but sit either
at the smoking area or the beach park get crunk
and have the time of our lives
we were a lot closer then
now you've gone your way
he went that way
she went the other way
and i have started on my own way too
most of us moved on from cigarettes and alcohol
to more hardcore things
from pills like morphine
to other stronger more soaring pills
don't you wish we still went to the concerts together?
our moshing days have turned to hardstyling
if you look at it the way we were then seems like so long ago
now it seems we were more straightedge then
now we're constantly fucked up well most of us
some of us seemed to have stopped everything.
i miss you guys
you filled my days up with laughter and memories
i'll see you guys soon
we'll hang like old days
and create more memories that will
beat along with our hearts

Friday, November 28, 2008
are you tired now? Current mood:missing you
you keep running through my mind.
it's been so long since we had last seen each other
i thought that the long time away
you would soon evaporate from my mind
and then my heart
but that doesn't seem to be the case.
you like to play with me
you have such a control over me
and i think you know it.
i wonder how you could have such a strong grip over me
you know how to break me
but then you can piece me back together within a second
you know what to say to be
what to do.
love? is it? am i in "love" with you?
every passing day i try to forget you
but i can't
you are constantly running through my mind
for two and a half years now.
yes it has been that long since i first met you
since i first fell for you
are you tired now?


Saturday, November 08, 2008
a love like this
slowly
little by little
i'm slipping away and i'm falling
there might be untrue feelings that surface
lust instead of like or love
actions that contradict with words
problems issuses drama trial error
call it what you will
we all went through it
i want you to know
if you're scared i'll take you by the hand and stay with you
if i see you somewhere with tears streaming down your face
i'll wipe them away and leave a smile on your face
if you're not sure i'll make you sure
all i want is for you to smile because knowing that i did something
to produce that smile makes me soar higher than the clouds
when you push me away i'll come back to you
because you've made yourself at home in my heart.

Thursday, November 06, 2008
the problems aren’t just "normal"
it's not normal no matter how many times you say it
it's not ok when you have a switch that instantly changes your mood
i'm happy one moment then all of a sudden
i want to throw a lamp against the wall
and see it shatter and spark before just dying
it's not normal to be obsessed with weight
i eat very little then wish i hadn't even thought of even putting it in my mouth
throw up everything that went in
it's not normal to forget your sadness
by getting high or stoned
in anyway you can pop a pill drink a bottle of vodka
that's my way of feeling better even for just that moment.
it's just not normal
it's not just what every teen goes through


Tuesday, November 04, 2008
half a heart
i think i'm done...

it hurts too much and i feel
so stupid just telling you what i feel
i'm done with telling you what makes me weak
why should i open myself to you? when you don't
i'm so tired of waiting for you of chasing you
it's been too long the wait i don't want to
fall behind you so i'm constantly
sprinting so i don't get left
behind in your dust.
but i'm tired and
i can't keep
on going
it's the
end
.

Monday, November 03, 2008
there’s always a shinning light
there's a longing that i wish to ease
a person i wish to hold
but there is a sadness
when i think of them
i miss his hugs and
i miss his voice.
although i might have talked to him recently
i'm constantly missing everything about him there is something stops us
there is something that pushes us awayas we drift father
all i want to do is hold him and never let go
talk won't get me anywhere though
he's so far gonehe can't think straight now
who is the one he askwho will be the one i can depend on
those questions go unanswered for him.
so he's stuck in a pit and only
one girl has the ladder long enough to get him out
i don't know who it is
but i hope it's me.
there is a face i want to see in my dreams
his face and only his smiling at me
when it comes down to it
i guess i want to be selfish
but sometimes i can't.
my friend said just go for it
you have to be aggressive to get what you want
but i can't do that if it means
there is rejection and hurt involved/weakget stronger
if you want to past through anything in life
even if it's not lovehold on
think not on the bleak side but on a more happier note
then your life will be filled with the most beautiful music the world will ever hear
the longing i wish to ease will someday be at an ease.
someday
everything
will
go
just
my
way

Friday, October 31, 2008
the rain doesn’t always wash out the dirt and after there isn’t always a rainbow
it all started with one simple thought
"i want to be his friend"
as i past by a boy with the sickest hair
and a ton of facial piercings
a cloud of smoke drifted from his lips
after that one thought there came another
"well if i smoked i could strike a converstion much more easier.i'd ask for a cig then we'll small talk"
that thought turned into an action and that boy became my friend
and all his friends became mine too
that was the crowd i started handing out with
after that my life slowly started to change
one puff then two
one gone and 19 more white cancer sticks to go
then can those glass bottles filled with burning goodness
one bottle and i'm gone
bubbly feelings takes over
blurred vison luaghter everything is so light
i'm floating
after a while everything seems to pile up
the cigarettes the alcohol the painkillers and prescriptioin drugs and so much more
one year has almost gone by
and i've tried almost every drug that some people take 5-10 years to do
sometimes i stop and think at night
as i lie in my bed staring just the ceilling,about how things used to be
how much i disappoint my parents now
with the lies to stay out for the money
theses drugs don't come cheap you know...
20$ a pill....welcome to my newest addiction{buy me one please?}
they make me soar higher that the clouds
and guess what? they come in so many different colors with different pictures on them
there are HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of different kinds
i'd do a lot for that kind of high all the time
i know by now you're thinking "oh great another fucked up kid's life"
well fuck you i don't give a damn what you're thinking
and if you're talking shit
because i don't know you and you don't know me
and you know what if i did give a shit i can take a drug of my choice and then nothing would matter
everything would fade away
i'd be lost in my own place and no one can get in
but sometimes i can see my whole life like a movie
past present future
and the future it sacares me
but it doesn't motivate me to stop still i don't know why
seeing myself dead on the the streets somewhere or just fucked up
it still doesn't make me stop
i want someone to reach out and just fucking punch me snap me out of it
but for the most part i''m too busy in someone's arms to think of something like that
i love being held and cuddling when i'm off the deep end
it feels really good that they're there
even if it's the drugs talking
i love feeling a person's lips on my body and thir arms encircling me
what bitch you think i'm a slut
well fuck you
because i don't go around selling me body for drugs nore do i fuck anyone just because i'm fucked up.
i wish i could just stop but it's so hard
and i say this but deep down i love the feeling too much to give it up
i love the high
i love soaring and just dancing
charming people that i'll never see again
it's fun to mess with people
i like having that power and control over them
drugs or not i like being able to have the power to crush them on my comand
i like having the control over them
sometimes to me all they are is pets
haha but don't worry if i really really care about you i'll always stay by your side
and take your punches.
after all your punches will never hurt as much as the pain i felt inside of me
before i let that crimson line break through my wrist and even after it oozed out
i still hurt so i added more one line after another
one pill after the other
but i'm still alive so i'll never die.
i'm immortal!
what a scary thought never dying... living with a nightmare.
i think i took a total of 34 painkillers in 5 minutes
with the blood flowing out of my arm.
it didn't do shit
all i felt was groggy and my mouth felt numb but that was all
i didn't even get to go to the hospital.
booo i'm not just a braindead person
HAHAHAHA. i make myself laugh. you think i'm crazy
sometimes i think that too and i should be locked up.
locked up and never be let out.











because if you were as crazy as me
you would never be let out
but i'm still running around in the streets laughing.
you guys give me a pill or ten
give me a bottle of booze
give me anything to help me get high.
that's my life now
and i don't think i can turn back
who said after the rain there's always a rainbow that follows
the only rainbow i see
is my pills lined up.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
that someone
Sometimes at night, when i look to the sky, i start thinking of you and then ask myself "why?... why do i love you?"i think and smile, because i know, the list could run on for mile. the whisper of your voice, the warmth of your touch..too many little things make me love you so much.the way you support me, the way that you care and show such devotion. the way that your kiss, fills me with desire, and how you hold me with the warmth of a fire.the way your eyes shine when you look at me, lost with you forever is where i want to be. the way that i feel when you are by my side, a sense of completion.the dreams that i dream that all involve you, the possibilities that i see, the things that we can do.how you finish the puzzle that lies inside my heart, how deep in my soul, you are a very important part.i could go on for days telling of what I feel, but all you really must know is...my love for you is real.

Monday, October 27, 2008
monster
there is a guilt that runs through my veins
a paranoia that pluses through my system
a lust that seems to be the end of me
a loneliness that shakes my very core
but still there is some sense of control isn't there?
there's still somewhere that tells my body to move to breath to live
i want it to just go away the monsters of the present
how did i end up this way?
so fucked up
i see people smiling i want to be like them
i see people crying and i hope that i can cheer them up
but how and why are you still by me when all i do is mess up?
everything seems like it's gone now
all i want to do is go higher and higher untill one day i pop
that way the clouds can blur my visions and the air will be cut short sooner not later
i feel like shit for most days
i see what others i care about fall and i think that it's scary but can i
stop?
can i help myself?
when it just feels so good to let myself soar higher than the birds
it feels like sometimes you are falling
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
into a deep oblivion
but there is peace at the end nothing can make you sad
you're surrounding no more with shit ohters give you
no shit you cause for yourself
the ending.
it's done
no more fucking cries saying help me help me i'm down here
theres a guilt that runs through my whole body
a guilt no one can wash away
tainted.
broken doll left with a tattered dress and a missing eye
there something that clings on to me now
it's heavy and it won't get off no matter how hard i shake.