live for tomorrow even if you're scared to

phone off
i don't want to talk to anyone no one at all
because it's all the same their responses
they think they're so different from everyone else. hahaha.


i wish i had a pause button that way i could pause life and just think everything through
i think that would take awhile
i don't know where i am in life
i have a year left in school that's not enough
i now live for tomorrow because a year ago i lived for today
and that messed things up my health my academics my relationships
my fault for lack of better judgement
that's why i will live for tomorrow until i die
that's why i'll take the consenquences
i bash myself though i know
it's what i'm doing now
always and forever that's something i'm always gonna do
because in my mind i'll never be good enough
i was stupid now what?
i might not have a future
i'm not at all who i want to be
not at all who i dreamed to be when i was little
i'm no princess i'm no kid that excelled in school i'm nothing at all
no where at all near the point where i want to be
in looks in thought in academics in kindness in caring anything
i am not beautiful inside or out
i am just me average possibly but no where near radiantly shining with the inner bueaty
i'm not even a daughter my parents could be proud of
i'm still trying so i can be less of a failure than i feel

and there is no talking to people about this
their replies will always be the same you hear it over and over and over again
maybe that's the truth but i don't want to hear it
i just don't want to hear anything anymore see anything
live through anything
i feel so tired already with everything

it's funny at times though how i view myself as high and mighty
i look down on people
i'm easily disgusted with people
humans ughh i hate being one their flesh bodies so easily broken
their minds jumble up with such useless information at times
they can't do things on their own they're kind of like puppets
whose ever puppets they are
we might just be the items in a little boy's shoe box
this world he built it like how we did with legos when we were kids
one of many shoeboxes he has this is one of them


i'm tired i live in fear of tomorrow
not to fade away with the time of yesterday

at times like this

every so often insecuries strike me
i know why they are caused
i just don't want to bring it up to him
i don't want to rush things
i don't know at what point things start to get ridiculous
but at times like these
i want to slink away slowly fade out
continue living my life before i started to talk to you
before that night
but things can't change now

i
have
fallen
and
even
if
i
am
happy
just
being
by
you
i
want
the
reassurance
i
am
greedy
i
want
the
security.

security i think i need that in order for me not to falter
security every so often
the security i don't get i crave.

i don't know what's up anymore
and so you'll find only one comment from me
every other one that i sent your way i have deleted
my feelings has not changed not at all
nope not at all my love for you is bolted down in my heart

i'm not a patient person
i hate waiting
yet here i am still waiting
i slightly tired...

yehhmann

when i get money i'ma get on this

ok go:
from american apparel:
-waist high skirts
-unisex bat wing hoodie in black&white, black, grey, and basically all the colors they have :D
-racer back jerseys
-unisex satin charmeuse jacket in baby blue, black, silver, navy
-unisex shiny wind breaker in gold
-unisex california fleece sleeveless hoodies
-unisext stripped fleece raglan pullovers
-cotton spandex short unitards
-cotton spandex ruched front tube bras
-fine jersey drape skirts
-Sheer Jersey Shirred Knee-Length Full Skirts
-california fleecce tulip skirts
-Baby Rib Cross-Back Summer Dress
-Drawstring Tank Dress
-Cotton Spandex Jersey Bandeau Dress
-Cotton Spandex Jersey Deep U Dress
-halter rompers

-acrylick: killing them softly v neck
-obey:peace gaurd v neck
-crooks and castles spring 2009 shirts
-nike terminator+airforce1 high pink canvas with foral discharge
-NIKE VANDAL HIGH “HEAVY METAL” PREMIUM
-nike sb "beijing mid dunk premium
-nike dunk low pro sb(paris)
-nike dunk high pro sb "unkle"





+so much more but i'm too lazy now XD

palm reading.
left hand "fate"
i have a break in my life line
it's like i died or almost at least when i was younger
i survived that
it was supposedly life changing
changed my views on life
i don't know
something like that will happen again
and at 30-40 another life changing event will happen
depending on how i react to that situation i will shorten my life
i might not have an always and forever love
but i will have many relationships
health problems for my whole life
dying in confusion is what was read for me
that is the future that was told to me
right hand "chance"
i'm causing health problems
worsing my already fragile state
there's a relationship coming my way a strong one depending on how i play my cards
this one will make a big impact on me
if i do this right i will have an always and forever
but there's a rivalry
two in fact one is weaker though not as strong perhaps someone from my childhood
this is the hand that is ever so changing on the decisions i make
i hope i will be able to find a forever and always
i think i found him

life is choice

i won't stop you from doing what you want
i don't want to be the chains that hold you down
yet i don't know whether or not to shake you
there's so many things you tell me
your dreams your goals your responsibilities

your dreams are in reach
but don't you think that you might be distancing yourself from where you want to go
if you don't then honestly i can't do much
all i can do is nag you which won't be any good
could i get myself to stand beside you watch you drift from your goals and not do anything
hmm probably not
i know i will never turn my back
i don't think i would be able to watch that though

choice life is choice
there is no predistination or "fate"
it is your choices that take you down paths
make you run into experiences and to get out of those unfortunate situations you will have to make a choice yet again
so there is no one that can make you do something
there are people that can influence you to make that choice
but in the end it's up to you
i'm gonna be the influence that helps you reach your goal
or at least sets an example.

shoot me because this is wrong

i don't understand why you are still running loose in my head
once more i can see your eyes and feel your touch
i thought i kicked you out
i guess you just hid somewhere in the dark corner
you're a good hider huh just like how you're a good actor
but then again i do believe that you would have been a good friend
and i wished that you would become someone close to me
a friend i cherish
i suppose you didn't agree even though you said that you would like to too
actor
i believed those words
hey don't put all the blame on me
the phone works both ways
i still try to talk to you
yet you don't bother
maybe somewhere inside of me feels like i didn't clean up well
i think a good beat down
you to the ground i will feel satisfied
maybe then i'll feel like it's totally over
i feel like there still something that i have to do
and i let you off way to easily.
i didn't even get to tell you everything i wanted to tell you
questions were left unanswered and are still not answered
i didn't get you scream at you and yell and bitch
i didn't get to leave you bleeding
i didn't get to leave you in tears like you left me
and i want to get back at you
yet i really don't have any ill thoughts of you as a friend
as your ex
i'm so speechless when you told me that you thought that i cheated on your and you wanted to get back at me but didn't
how and why would you even think that
what lead you to think that
don't make me laugh
as your ex
i should bitch as you and have someone no i should beat you up
no instead i cried and let you hold me and kiss me
saying it'll be alright that this wasn't the end THE END
after you held my hand and we walked over to where kenny and karin were
hand in hand you still had them fooled
to them we were still alright.


i feel like there's still something missing
not in my heart
but some part of me
there's things left undone
as much as i want to beat you down i do miss the happy times we had
yes lately i've been thinking about you more
the times we had
i know that i will not take you back
i have someone i care about love much more than i ever loved you
but i still do miss the good times we had
i wish we were good friends like we both said....
this is wrong
i know for a fact that i love CL. he's become the air that i breath the sun to my earth.
so why do i feel so sad thinking about you
why do i feel such guilt
i don't want you back but i miss you
this is wrong right?



fml

retreat syndrome

"why my delusional system?" he felt cold fright rise up inside him:
unable to stiffle it he felt it enter his chest,invade his heart.
"who inposed it on me?" no one imposed it on you. it was self-induced
retreat syndrome due to your sense of guilt...
you tired suicide and that failed, so instead you withdrew physchologically
into this fantasy world. - retreat syndrome by Philip K. Dick


my delusional system
i fear i really am so messed up in my head
a few years back when my first panic attack happened
it was caused my 24 pills
when that didn't work my mind put me into a fantasy world
living where nothing could touch me
day after day i lived here and i don't think i'm out of it yet
though i maybe waking up
my mind my heart my very existance is fading away
i don't think i could care much if i died or not
we're dying by the second so how do i wake up from this world that i put myself in
the bad habits are stuck on me
in my mind i don't know if love , like so many people say, will help you prevail above all

in my delusional world
i coughed up blood today while i smoked a little white stick filled with nicotine and various other chemicals
i spat the blood out of my mouth flicked the end down the stairs looked into my mirror to see if my gums were bleeding
nope no bleeding gums no bleeding lip
it came from my throat or where ever else in me my lungs i suppose
i lit up another cigarette anyway
instead of resting after the second one was done and flicked away
i stood right up my head felt light
i walked to go find a person who could buy me another pack
in my world i am half dead already rotting away
i speed up the process to my death
because i don't know how to wake up from this nightmare
i don't like who i am one bit.
this life i lead the skies are red the grass is purple
everything is distorted.
i don't know who to talk to at all i need help i don't think anyone can give me that kind of help

the kind of help i need

because i'm stuck in this world and a barrier has been put up a pretty big one too

the story of my life
if you knew it from the moment i was concieved to now
oh how you would shake your head and walk away
if you knew how habits came to be
if you knew what made me this way i wonder what you would say
if you could see the world through my eyes with my mind and my heart
you would think just like me


i've retreated from reality to my fantasy world
and i don't think anything can get me out.

how strange...i wonder what it is about you...

i found no flaw at all when i looked at his face
i found nothing that made me frown
all i saw was beauty as i looked into this eyes
for once there was no need to pick out the flaws
becuase there was none
all that he is makes him who he is and that's who i love.
i realized that when i look at the others i would look at them into their eyes
i would pick away that atributes things that i didn't like and at their looks
one thing always had to be wrong
with him there is nothing i found
and i wondered to myself what makes him so special
what thats him different
the answer i got was because there's none like him
he's different because of everything he stands for
everything he is
the others were just clones of the world
and he is his own person.

i wonder how long will this last forever i hope
is this my heart my mind playing tricks on me
if it is then it's got me good it realized i'm immuned to stupid little card tricks
and it's throwing a full blown magic show in my face
doubt it though
my heart beats differently.
it's more steady not the rapid beating of lust
it's steady just like the flow of our trust
i don't need teenaged love that's past me now

he has got me good
and i'm glad.
i hope i got him that well too


no matter what i will love you this time i honestly mean it
i'll be by your side whenever you need me<3

1:00 a.m. still up thinking about you

i'm still up wondering if you're alright
i know how you get when something is on your mind
i'm only human
emotions is something i feel constantly don't think to much of it
worried i hope you're alright
sad i don't want to be a person that restricts you
i want you to do what you want
i don't want to be a looming adult figure to you
i want to be your friend
i want to be much more than a friend
i don't want to be a person that limits your potential
you have so much potential to succeed you know what right
you have everything you need to be great.

i get frustrated when you do something that damages
i get sad wondering why
i get angry when you are, sad when you are
i cry tears that you might not be able to spill
i worry about you day and night
i miss you every second i'm not with you
i love you at every hour every minute every second
everywhere anywhere.
i love everything and anything about you.
so always know i'll be beside you
if i'm angry i won't be angry for long
if i'm sad i won't be sad forever.

time is endless yet we're always running out of time

what do you do when your mind is overflowing and you can't seem to sort out anymore what's needed
what's useless
what's priority
what matters
what you're feeling exactly honest truth

what happens when your days are filled with so much to do but not enough time
there are 24 hours to a day
60 minutes to every hour
1440 minutes a day
60 seconds to every minute
86400 seconds to a day
where does the time go?

you need 86400+ seconds to sort through your mind
figure out what is a exigency
then you have days and days to fulfil excel lift advance in life
but then again when if you are at the nadir of your life then you must find and spend more seconds
more minutes to find out what you need to get to the pennacle of your life

i am somewhere from the nadir of life to the median.
and i'm spending 1440+ minutes to sort out my brain
it's quite a task overflowing with probably useless random information
filled with wild stories and even wilder ideas
figure me out.

delectation:
A feeling of extreme gratification aroused by something good or desired.
mostly that is for a lot of us short term happiness
i'm looking for the long term happiness now
so walk with me
stand by me and i'll make sure i'll won't let you fall
and i'll be sure to pull you up
i won't expect you to do the same but if you do then that'd be nice
live a new life
empty canvas.

the feeling of deja vu restricts me once more

i thought i got over it but it seems to have crept back up to me

mike i'm so sure you've messed up my head so badly unless i was always like this

i can't help but think that cody will go back to lindsey

mike loved karissa

he never stopped loving her

cody loved lindsey

he never stopped loving her

karissa came first

lindsey came first.

it makes sense doesn't it

i shake with the thought of it

i fall i falter i can't keep cool i always break down

compared to karissa compared to lindsey

i'm sure i'm no match

i might not know them but i'm sure i am tiny compared to them

karissa who has been through a lot with you mike

karissa who knows you so much better

karissa who has known you longer

karissa who has you crawling back to her

lindsey who has been though so much with you cody

lindsey who knows you inside and out

lindsey who has stood beside you for much longer than i

lindsey who has you crawling back for more?

i am no match

and i am scared.

i want to be strong i will always love you that i know

but i'm scared what if ?

it's happened before...

i keep having these dreams that i wake up crying and screaming

before they would be scary dreams filled with ghost and monsters

now it's a dream of mike leaving me for karissa and you cody leaving me for lindsey

and i am utterly alone

there is no one else in the dream but me mike karissa lindsey and you cody

after mike leaves happily smiling with karissa

you appear fix me up and place a smile upon my face

then all of a sudden lindsey is calling your name

you turn and smile a smile i've never seen on your face before

you get up and walked towards her turning back only for a little bit to say"i love her much more she was first."

from there on the background is dark and i'm standing in a room

karissa and lindsey appear laughing and smiling

and these words echo around

"all the sweet words they haave said were empty"

"rebound"

"we were first."

"our love is greater."

"you were no match"

and i look at both of them and say"...what about when you said i'll never leave you...i love you"

mike appears next to karissa "i love karissa her and her only always"

that part hurts but not too much what hurts the most is when cody appears "i'll never leave you... lindsey."

as if to mock me all of you smile and walk away

cody you stop and turn just to smile and pull lindsey closer before walking away.

i wake up my pillow is soaked and my cheeks wet

my thoart hurts as if a thousand needls got jammed in it

insecurity

i need some reassurance

i don't know why but i'm not reassured enough for this to pass my mind

to make me feel at ease.

my head pounds telling me to distance myself but i don't want you cody to ever think i've lost interest

i love you

my heart beats yet this fear is making me quake.

when you are inspired don't you want the feeling to last forever
when you fall in love don't you want the feeling to last forever
when you are happy wouldn't you wish the feeling would last forever
when you....feelings lasting forever
forever and ever
to be inspired to be in love those feelings are something that i would want to last forever
yet being happy forever continually i think for me
happiness would fade slowly
being in a state of constant happiness
i think for me happiness would start to lose it's meaning
i think i would forget what happiness really is


so don't fret if you feel sadness or anger once in awhile
with sadness you will appreciate happiness
with anger you will know exactly what happiness is
<3

i crumble with every single rumble of the earth

the sky promises blue skies and then brings a little grey cloud

i look up and i only see the little grey cloud

i falter the sky has broken it's promise

bars are set high too high and when expectations aren't met disappointment surges through me

a wiltering flower not even the hope of quenching water would strenghten it's hope to live

that disappointment makes you feel so small unimportant

how is it that the sky couldn't just keep that one grey cloud away for me?

it's it annoying though HOW THE HELL CAN YOU EXPECT THE SKY TO KNOW THAT?

with out the breeze carrying your words up

one little thing can make me so insecure i would give up distance leave break never look back

i expect too much and so i'm often disappointed

my mentality if i were someone that was important then you would have known what to do you should know how i work

but a part of me fights you're too annoying too clingy too needy

i fight with myself i mock myself sneer bash and destroy myself

fault after fault i pick myself apart when i'm feeling down

there is no up at this bottomless pit when i'm down i'm WAYYY down

tiny tiny unimportant small insignificant

stupid sky not keeping it's promise

i turn and point fingers too it's really quite bad

this is me and i hate it so much the insecurity everything

EVERY GOD DAMN THING ABOUT ME I JUST FUCKING HATE IT