enduring every second

how many days has it been? how many weeks? how many seconds or minutes or hours? the walls seem to be closing in and the distance between two people expanding well that's what it feels like. i've said countless times i'm tired i'm worn i'm done but it's not that easy to be done with it to just cut that string. things around me seem to be crashing down. is it a sign that i'm about to crash too? i'm not content with my outer image or my ugly insides. i wish some part of me was beautiful and radiant but the truth is i'm blinded and if there was a beautiful spot on me i can't see it or find it. i think i felt most confident about myself the time before all this poison covered everything. now everything is melting away with the pure acidity of it. it's like a sweet dream that turned into a horrible nightmare. yet in this horrible nightmare i feel the need and the want to wipe everyone's storming cloud away even if it means that my storm cloud is ever growing engulfing me. i have finally begin to not care about myself even if i feel like shit as a result. the thing is though i feel a bit indestructable which kinda drives me insane. i read stories about people that just get so low that they can't eat or sleep or function but the thing is with my my health is ever sturdy i sleep more now i eat like a starving african kid that's just been given a ticket to the buffet and i can jump run scream. a part of me wants to see some physical damage so i know it's finally ending but i'm quite the opposite my life moves on in a cycle and i go through the motions as a friend, daughter student. there are two sides to every coin though even if i were physically damaged i don't want the attention i don't need people hovering over me constantly. i just want enough love and care not too much and not too little. perfect balance is hard to achieve in this life when things are so blown out of proportion and things are so insanely ridiculous. there's either too much sadness or too much happiness. WHAT? too much happiness? i don't understand why too much happiness is something to push away. the world has tilted off it's axis. my heart breaks as i see through your facade of smiles, i want to ask you don't you want to just cry because if you do i'll be there for you with a hankerchief in one hand and a box of chocolates in another. that is the reason why people think i'm so caring? i suppose in a way i am to my friends of course i have to be i need to be it is me. my friends and family are the people that keep me from fully stepping on to the endless emotionless cycle that it's almost at. they are the ones who,when i'm not giving a shit , makes me give a shit even if it's for a little while. a little goes a long way right? maybe so maybe not. before a simple hello from him would have my heart beating like crazy and i would have hope that even in this shaken road that i had someone to lend out a hand but now a simple hello is followed by nothing and i know that hand will not reach out for me. i do not hope for it anymore because the expectations i set always seem to be untouched no one can ever meet them and i always get crushed. have you noticed when this drift appeared? it happened too suddenly and i do not know how or when it manged to wedge in between us. i think i just realized how far we are from each other recently. i knew we were drifting but i think a mirror was placed between you and me. as i drifted you drifted off in a much faster pace and before i realized it you were at least 50 miles away when to my reflection was only 5. the world plays cruel jokes don't it and it's thought of to be such a great planet i mean come one there's fricken humans walking around it when the other plants just have ice or dirt. i want to find that silver lined cloud apparently every cloud has one but none that i see. where is the silver lining on the cloud of my worried friendship that probably isn't a friendship anymore? do you know what you have said basically as i translated what the words you have strung really said? it said who the hell cares about you i've got sunshine in my pocket. hmm perhaps it really isn't translated to that but really rehear or reread those words and tell me not it does send a strong hint that this is what it really means. you don't bother so why should i be the only one bothering? ahaha i told you as nice as i may appear to be at times i can be the complete opposite and if you fire away at me because of this then you have no idea the message you have sent to me. words everyone says them words everyone reads them words everyone hears them. most words are empty like promises made now. as this empty promises pop we pop. no more we no more us. all gone almost without a trace but the little soap stain that will disappear in a minute or two. ooooh scary aint it? you think you're so damn important more important than others the truth is...ladies and gentlemen beware now the truth hurts... YOU'RE NOT. you're value is not greater than anyone elses but it is the same so don't be sooooooo high and mighty..oh that's right though another truth in humans we are conceited and shallow some more than others but still we have those undeniable traits. that's right we judge others on wealth appearance power. in a glance we either close up or open up. you gotta stop and wonder who's real who's fake? but even the nicest person are they a good person?life is so difficult to figure out now eh? there are so many rules and exceptions to the rules and do's and don't's it's unbelievable. the world is a chaos with these rules set to prevent chaos. would the world be even more chaotic without them? who knows?i just think it's humans that make the world so chaotic. they're greedy. even as "pure innocent babies" we push out way out of our mothers wanting life then we grasp the air wanting the air to fill our lungs and the world to know HEY BITCHES I'M FINALLY HERE AFTER DEVELOPING IN MY MOTHER'S FRICKEN WOMB FOR NINE FUCKING MONTHS I'M HERE! mmhmm i'm greedy too. i want and want and want even if there's nothing left to want. i want to want something. woah that's major greed there. some people say wanting is like having a goal so when you want something you need to strive to get it. wanting and goal setting are two different things one you work for it and the other you don't do shit and hope it gets delivered to you on a platter. which is which? humans come with so many flaws maybe that's why each one of us has a set of problems. we are problematic.it sucks life can't be so perfect and the only thing getting in the way of a perfect life is us for humans are imperfect. boo hoo cry about it but it won't change the fact that we are so the best we can do is deal with it. some people can't deal with it well in fact a lot of people can't that's why we smoke leaves and munch magic pills and drink rotten juices/chemicals and everything else to self destruct ourselves. but i must admit the illusions that come after doing those things are pretty great we are put in a happy place that even if we have not changed we are content. that's i guess as good as it gets and i'm fine with that more or less. oh let's rank this from people that cannot deal with it to people that are better at dealing with it: suiciders then psychotic people that are locked up in the looney bin then drug addicts/alcohol addicts then people that always complain about dying but can't really get themselves to do so then those normal people whatever normal is then those people that make a name for themselves. yes but there's another exception as always anyone drug addict alcohol addict normal people complainy people mentally unstable people they can all change and make a name for themselves possibly if they tried to in a good way. ah as always hope is a ever shining beakon to all the lost. i am if i were to place myself somewhere low on that ranking sadly butas humans we edure every second we are alive on this earth with all this turmoil.

self destructive i don't care anymore
i fucked up
i'm tired i'm unstable i'm complicated
i suppose that since i fucked up i would stop doing the things that make me do shit i regret
but that is not the case
i wish my willpower was strong enough
but as i've said before i do not believe that love overcomes all
i will not deny my addictions my needyness my everything
i am a bitch a fucked up girl someone you would not want to be tangled up in
i'm insensitive and cunning
i am everything you should stay away from
i believe it is better that way then i will not hurt the ones i love and care about most
i will destroy others as i am destroying myself
i am in a mess now
i think i lost people that i love so much and it's my fault
i am complicated
i am psychotic
i am mentally damaged
i am ill
i am fucked up
i am a bitch
i am the boogie monster
i am misery
i am jealous
i am unhappy
i am terrified
i am looking for an easy way out
i am mentally weak
i am dependent on others
i am physically incapable
i am no longer how i used to be
i am no longer the daughter i once was
i am no longer the friend that can smile
i am lifeless
i am insecure
i am hard to understand
i am bitter
i am sour
i am empty
i am going through routine motions with no heart in it
i am somehow getting by
i am still breathing i wish i wasn't
i am a spoiled ungrateful litle brat
i am a girl that is fading
i am a drug and alcohol addict
i am a hypocrite
i am a monster
i am useless
i am ruining my own chances for happiness
i am stupid
i am immature
i am not ivy anymore
i am just so tired of the things i have to do i think it would just be easier to fall asleep and never wake up
i am self destructive.

that is who i am now

entricate skill

For a love that seems to be fading fast what is the remedy to make it last?
Perhaps it's gone already I'm holding on to remnants,
living in a engulfing nostalgic time
I said that I'm letting go without closure because I want to leave that bit of hope
but the truth is I'm not letting go at all and my hope is diminishing.
The only reason why I said it was so i wouldn't become a droning bother
so that way I could let the worries, the sadness, the unstablity live in me
after all how do you throw all your worries away?
It is a common phrase used by various people but who can really just throw all your worries away
how can you just simply toss out even one?
To forget is a entricate skill that has never been taught to us.
In school we learn things that we may or may not even use in the life we have ahead of us.
How is knowing how Ceasar died or why great nations fell going to help us in this "adult" world?
No one has ever taught how to use this beating organ inside of us or how to cease the thoughts that pain you
all you taught us was that the average beating human heart beating at 72 BPM will beat approximately 2.5 billion times during a lifespan of 66 years.
There is no how to forget classes or heartbreak 101
just classes on figuring out problems that are no where near as complicated as the ones in our minds and hearts.
Maybe if you teach us how to use it then we could go far in life;
maybe girls won't be sluts and guys won't be the biggest dealers of their time.
Because maybe they chose that path when life got too tough and love got to hard to understand.
Misunderstandings surround us.
We didn't get to choose how we wanted the world to be,
we didn't choose to have paper hearts and eyes that only read deception.
I wonder why people tell others to do things that they can't do or for the matter has never been done.
I wonder why we can make and create cures of all sorts of diseases but not make a cure for a broken heart,
it makes me wonder if this feeling is actually real or maybe it's just a figment of our imagination and no one has ever really been through true love.
And if that is the case then no one would know what love lost is.

a remedy for a love fading.
a mindset to just forget the things that pains us.
they seem so distant and out of reach
i suppose they're all conjured up in our minds, right?

what is love?

there are too many meanings and interpertations of this simple four lettered word

it is as complicated as life itself yet as simple as a smile

love amalgamates two people but it can also rip them apart

love, some people say, is cruel and others is sweet.

sometimes love remains and other times it is ephemeral

why is that?

why does love hurt more than a physical wound?

can't it be fair and just be sweet to everyone?

love is being able to tolerate

love is being able to trust

love is simply being happy with the person you care about

love is...

love is...

the list goes on.

when love hurts it's bound to come back creeping up on you

even when you don't want it you can't help your heartbeats

or when you instantly smile after thinking or seeing that special persons face

no we can never get away from this powerful word

this power is so often abused though

it's meaning is diminishing by the users

i love you and you and you oh and you too

it's getting worn.

because teens have made a superficial love that has spread and is so much more common

so it's hard to tell if you're in fact truly in love

one day you'll be all over someone whispering sweet words then the next you and i are strangers

generations just want to be older try to act mature enough for this complicated feeling

but in the end the butchered it

so what is love really?