angel dearest

it's been a long time
i'm sorry for the time gap
but seriously i've missed you and your cheerful face
i've thought that i was being a bitch to not utter a single word
but i realized how could i have been so stupid
to not show you that no matter what i was your support
to reconnect like old times puts a smile on my face
because you see you don't know how much i missed our simple days
i hope to see our bond once again weave together as it once was but much much much stronger
after high school into college
because that's when i'll need you most
to stand beside me for support and of course
for our endless nights of sleepovers and fun
it'll be hella g
you know it and i do too
we'll grpw older and smile at all the things we've been through
angel angel i used to call out
where have you been these few months where i have needed you
angel angel there you are
please done ever let this drift reform
let's seal it up for good
i promise to stand by your side as long as you stick to mine
no matter how tough it gets
i'm your ever listening ear and your shoulder to cry on lean on whatever
i'm there

E> forever

excitement builds
you face blurred but getting clearer still
flow the breeze of the wind like a feather
don't try to go a certain distance
don't have the destination in mind
just let yourself fall light as air
sweet melody fills your ears
this seems a bit dangerous
old habits can resurface that old lifestyle can become the new lifestyle again
maybe it'll be something new all together
my heart rate is slowly climbing from anticipation and hesitation
but still my feet move towards this uncertainty
there's always two sides
good and bad
positive thinking brings happiness or it brings disappointment
negative thinking brings misery or it brings joy
the excitement is building because i can feel that my fucked up mind won't get in the way
i feel a flower is about to bloom

i have a syndrome that i wish would stay asleep
it feeds and grows on my thoughts
so i try not to think about it but it's always popping up into my mind
if i want this to work i need a sleeping pill
i'm skeptical but hopeful tired of being swung around by guys that tell me empty words
lies here and lies there
wishy washy guys
guys that know exactly what they want and what they want they wont get
at least not from me they can go find a whore
so here comes along someone sweet
but looks can be deceiving right?
just go with the flow because what you want never happens
and what you dont want happens
so just take it as it comes and when the good comes don't over analyze and destroy it
oh that self destruct button is always being pressed
chances everyone deserves them but the past few made me not want to give chances at all
they made me the fucked up person i am today
you can thank them for that
fucked over by him wonderful actor mr, bullshit
fucked over by him wonderful talker mr. i won't ever be like that
fucked over by him mr. should've thought this through
the thing is they all had words that sounded sweet filled with air
all swell talkers, some blunt some not so blunt
but their words were so sweet promises filled with bullshit
so because of them i have low tolerance for cheaters wishy washy people smooth talkers
be a jerk say what's on your mind
get some back bone
know exactly what you want
don't fuck around and play games
because i assure you when you do i'll flip that game over
hello karma.
do you see me sweet or a bitch?
never judge a book by it's cover
i'm not heartless if you show me i can trust you with my heart
but once you fuck up spikes will be going through your heart.

if i could find you i would
i wouldn't let you roam around by yourself anymore
you're lost and you can't find a way home
if i could find you i would be there in a heartbeat to bring you home
but it's an impossible task
i don't know where to begin my search for you
i don't know what skin you're wearing
i don't know a thing about you
but i'm looking for you to come home
home where the heart is
i want you here so i could hold you and tell you how much you mean to me
but you're nothing but a mere outline
trying to find the one that'll fit this glass slipper well in this case glass kicks
the one that'll never intentionally hurt me the one that'll love without end
you're lost wandering around as i am
both looking but not getting anywhere
if i could find you i would

you wonder why i scream yell and shout at you when you're the one that makes me this way
i say you're stupid and your ego flares hot anger
when you say i'm stupid i'm supposed to let it go
well fuck you just because you're older you think i'll back down?
you think i'll kneel and bow down
fuck that
you swear at me in front of our parents they don't do shit
when i do you scream telling me to watch my language while my parents go crazy because i uttered the same word you just did
well big and mighty back the fuck off because i'm not taking your shit like i used to when i was little
and dear parents you wonder why i want so badly to not live under the same roof as you anymore
always siding with him because he's older
what is he more smarter than me because he's fucking two years ahead
he doesn't know everything and neither do you
he can have a temper and you can have a temper but i cant
you're fucked up
i cant wait till i dorm i'm counting down the days
i'm waiting to move the fuck out of this shit hole
what are you gonna stop me? that is my education you're stopping me from then
i already got accepted so if you think i'm not gonna go because you say so fuck you
i'm leaving i can't wait until i move out and not have to see your face every fucking day
there's so much stuff you make me do that i don't want to
but all that's gonna change and that i believe makes you so scared
i'm no longer gonna be in your control
i told you i know how to attack the heart the soft spots
you're wrong if you think i won't because you're blood i'll attack you in the soft spot
i'll pierce you with a thorn over and over again even if i only say the words once
i'll make sure it rings in your ears for a long time
i'll make sure your cringe a bit every thing you think of this
if you wont pay for my higher education i'll do the summer program and find my own way to pay as long as i don't have to deal with you anymore.
maybe the time spent apart will make us realize important things
you and me both
right now a raging river of hot anger is flowing through me because of you
and i am bitter towards you
so don't try sweet talking your way out of this just stay the fuck away from me
and shut your gaping mouth.

where is he? i've been looking looking and now i'm stopping this search
you come find me i'll be right here getting on with life
i need to fix my look up
because i'm growing tired of my reflection
something different something new
hair color hair cut?
snip snip?
something new like new clothes new stuff in general
bags shoes anything
i'm so tired of my image it makes me so sick
why can't it be like before?
no i would never go back to those days but i miss it so much
pent up frustration builds i need to relax
drain the old out and refill with the new

eggshells

you clearly love to keep me walking on eggshells
when i thought the coast was clear you swooped by and unsettled my ground
i don't know where to put you
i don't dislike you but do i like you?
it's one or the other right?
you've made my down, up and my up, down everything is out of place
i thought i had everything figured out i was ready to walk on the surface that i've settled
but you did one little thing that made my steady ground shake
if i could figure out a solution i would do so in a second
if there was some possible way to make everything less gray i'd jump on it
you are a distraction and disturbance yet you are comfort
the polar opposite of me
i would like to smash your face into the gravel
and make you disappear
but you make me happy and i want you in my life.
asshole.