retreat syndrome

"why my delusional system?" he felt cold fright rise up inside him:
unable to stiffle it he felt it enter his chest,invade his heart.
"who inposed it on me?" no one imposed it on you. it was self-induced
retreat syndrome due to your sense of guilt...
you tired suicide and that failed, so instead you withdrew physchologically
into this fantasy world. - retreat syndrome by Philip K. Dick


my delusional system
i fear i really am so messed up in my head
a few years back when my first panic attack happened
it was caused my 24 pills
when that didn't work my mind put me into a fantasy world
living where nothing could touch me
day after day i lived here and i don't think i'm out of it yet
though i maybe waking up
my mind my heart my very existance is fading away
i don't think i could care much if i died or not
we're dying by the second so how do i wake up from this world that i put myself in
the bad habits are stuck on me
in my mind i don't know if love , like so many people say, will help you prevail above all

in my delusional world
i coughed up blood today while i smoked a little white stick filled with nicotine and various other chemicals
i spat the blood out of my mouth flicked the end down the stairs looked into my mirror to see if my gums were bleeding
nope no bleeding gums no bleeding lip
it came from my throat or where ever else in me my lungs i suppose
i lit up another cigarette anyway
instead of resting after the second one was done and flicked away
i stood right up my head felt light
i walked to go find a person who could buy me another pack
in my world i am half dead already rotting away
i speed up the process to my death
because i don't know how to wake up from this nightmare
i don't like who i am one bit.
this life i lead the skies are red the grass is purple
everything is distorted.
i don't know who to talk to at all i need help i don't think anyone can give me that kind of help

the kind of help i need

because i'm stuck in this world and a barrier has been put up a pretty big one too

the story of my life
if you knew it from the moment i was concieved to now
oh how you would shake your head and walk away
if you knew how habits came to be
if you knew what made me this way i wonder what you would say
if you could see the world through my eyes with my mind and my heart
you would think just like me


i've retreated from reality to my fantasy world
and i don't think anything can get me out.