if we could just be immobile for sometime

and finally figure out the way we feel about the missing puzzle pieces and cloudy question marks that still look a bit sureal


tired from lack of sleep
hungry from lack of food
i am fading

dependent on sleeping pills that don't help
hoodia and vitamin pills that doesn't help me reach my goal of gaining weight
coffee to keep me more alert throughout the day
cigarettes to soothe my plusing head to curve my hunger

i want to sleep but my eyes don't close
my head is clouded with nightmares and what ifs
i want to eaet but my throat closes up
whatever i force feed my stomach rejects

coffee because i can't be zoning out i have so much to do in a day even if it's summer
cigarettes because my head hurts, my heart rises and drops too quickly
hoodia and cigarettes to stop making me feel so hungry
vitamin pills and other supplements because i need essential minerals and vitamins to keep me from breaking

i am a sickly child
but even so i can't be bothered about these habits because there is one thing that clouds my mind

i want to hit just to see if you'd cry

you frustrate me and make me wonder. you make me smile and feel like nothing else matters.
lately i've been wondering what i am to you exactly
because at times it's clear and other times, now more than ever,it's blurry and i can't figure it out.
maybe it's the way i am, my high expectations do i expect too much?
i expect an effort i expect to see you try
maybe you are trying but i can't see it
i'm always reasoning why you don't do certain things that i wish you would do
we clearly think differently as we are two different people
but there are some common grounds between you and i.
you might be wondering why i've slowly stopped doing some things
maybe you haven't noticed either way
it's because i'm preparing myself so that if i am not the person you are looking for anymore
it won't hurt as much so slowly i'll stop sending you how my days were, good morning text every morning, and so on
sometimes i feel like i'm running after you and you're jogging away from me you're not running away or walking so that i can catch you
but jogging not sure whether to run to walk
i feel pretty fucking pathetic sometimes because i'm trying so hard
i kind of don't want to care if i don't get a text from you just because i didn't text you first
i kind of don't want to be the one that always makes that bus trip to see you
but i reason it with well you're busy it's summer y'know friends sleeping late...
or no one makes me take the bus all the way there, everyone we hang out with lives on that side so why would i make you take the bus[which we both hate] just to see me....
then when i think that i feel so insignificant and i really just don't want to care anymore.
i don't care if you still talk to your ex if you're still friends with her or that she's still someone you care about.
that's a good thing that you're still friends.
but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared that you'll go back to her
it doesn't mean i won't get jealous and at times sick of it

there are things i just can't stand because of the past
in my eyes this situation can very well turn into a deja vu situation
that's what i'm scared ofthat and so much more.
i compared myself to karissa and i'm comparing myself to lindsey
and i'm sure just like karissa knew much more about mike
that lindsey knows much more about you
they>me
i get it. whatever.they're different than me. i am a completely different person.
it doesn't change the fact that i love you like she does
i won't say i love you more because the word love has so many meanings

even if i slowly stop doing the things i do like text everyday don't worry it doesn't mean that i love you less than i did yesterday or a week before if anything i love you more but my heart can only handle so much heartbreak. loving you more means me being more vulnervable. it means that my heart is getting lifted higher and higher. the higher it goes that bigger the impact if it were to be dropped. it's been lifted pretty high right now and when you do something that makes me have to wonder it drops but then it gets caught in a net and gets lifted back up again. this process repeats.it's really nerve-racking and i'm just so afraid...





possibly too afraid still
even if i ignored some of my fears and loved you there are still things that make me tremble
as i think about everything when i can't sleep on those late nights.
i seriously don't know what i should do
wait more or slink away

one.two.three.four.

one.
i expect too much? the phone works both ways. if i don't text or call it seems i don't get anything from you that makes me feel like i'm forcing myself on you. i don't want to be the only one chasing. i don't want to limit you.

two.
i want to be able to talk to you about anything and vice versa but somehow i think that even if we both say that there's a barrier. a barrier i want to break down. i don't understand myself and you. i want to understand you myself the world. if i can understand then things won't be as hard for me.

three.
i don't know what to do. i don't know what to think. i wish i could put you on pause and finish my schooling with nothing on my mind other than getting good grades then unpause you so that i will not miss a moment with you. i know what i need to do but it collides what i want to do and it makes my fear grow yet i know i'll do what i have to so that way if i'm not forgotten i'll be free to do as i please.

four.
i miss you when i'm not beside you yet i feel if you see me everyday you'd get sick of me but if you don't i'll be forgotten. i love you so much but i can't find a way to show you how much i do.

miracle worker

i've always wished that i could do more

right now i wish that i could take the pain away
not out of me
but out of everyone of my friends that aren't having the life they deserve
i know the world isn't fair
and that all these things will make them stronger
yet if i could wipe away the rain clouds over their heads i would
so they didn't have to feel sad or mad or worried or little
i feel helpless that sometimes i just don't know what to say
to make them feel better
to lift their spirits up just for that one moment
but i'll still try my best
i never understood true friendship intertwines with love and trust
just like a relationship
i just saw friends as people that were there
to perhaps give advice that was rehearsed,make it sound good and genuine
but now i realize that it's not all just cues and memoriezed lines
it's so much more that those words fit exactly that they want to say
and maybe they can't string words as beautifully as writers can.

i still wish i could do so much more like be a miracle worker
just poof all your problems into oblivion
make sure that they will NEVER EVER bother you again
but that's not the case still i'll keep trying because maybe one day if i continue to give it my all then maybe i can become that person that makes the frown lines disappear on your forehead or stop the tears from flowing or relax every muscle when you're tense and ready to fight.


my wish is for your happiness.

i wonder why i'm

W
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L
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H



.

it's summer now
i want...
answers
security
reason
motivation
happiness
and most of all...
























YOU.

think before you speak

act when you've made a solid choice
don't waver
know what you want
control
it's all about the ontrol in your life


a lot of us don't have control
whether it's controling emotions, words, actions, needs, wants, etc.
we don't have control
that's our downfall.