i want to hit just to see if you'd cry

you frustrate me and make me wonder. you make me smile and feel like nothing else matters.
lately i've been wondering what i am to you exactly
because at times it's clear and other times, now more than ever,it's blurry and i can't figure it out.
maybe it's the way i am, my high expectations do i expect too much?
i expect an effort i expect to see you try
maybe you are trying but i can't see it
i'm always reasoning why you don't do certain things that i wish you would do
we clearly think differently as we are two different people
but there are some common grounds between you and i.
you might be wondering why i've slowly stopped doing some things
maybe you haven't noticed either way
it's because i'm preparing myself so that if i am not the person you are looking for anymore
it won't hurt as much so slowly i'll stop sending you how my days were, good morning text every morning, and so on
sometimes i feel like i'm running after you and you're jogging away from me you're not running away or walking so that i can catch you
but jogging not sure whether to run to walk
i feel pretty fucking pathetic sometimes because i'm trying so hard
i kind of don't want to care if i don't get a text from you just because i didn't text you first
i kind of don't want to be the one that always makes that bus trip to see you
but i reason it with well you're busy it's summer y'know friends sleeping late...
or no one makes me take the bus all the way there, everyone we hang out with lives on that side so why would i make you take the bus[which we both hate] just to see me....
then when i think that i feel so insignificant and i really just don't want to care anymore.
i don't care if you still talk to your ex if you're still friends with her or that she's still someone you care about.
that's a good thing that you're still friends.
but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared that you'll go back to her
it doesn't mean i won't get jealous and at times sick of it

there are things i just can't stand because of the past
in my eyes this situation can very well turn into a deja vu situation
that's what i'm scared ofthat and so much more.
i compared myself to karissa and i'm comparing myself to lindsey
and i'm sure just like karissa knew much more about mike
that lindsey knows much more about you
they>me
i get it. whatever.they're different than me. i am a completely different person.
it doesn't change the fact that i love you like she does
i won't say i love you more because the word love has so many meanings

even if i slowly stop doing the things i do like text everyday don't worry it doesn't mean that i love you less than i did yesterday or a week before if anything i love you more but my heart can only handle so much heartbreak. loving you more means me being more vulnervable. it means that my heart is getting lifted higher and higher. the higher it goes that bigger the impact if it were to be dropped. it's been lifted pretty high right now and when you do something that makes me have to wonder it drops but then it gets caught in a net and gets lifted back up again. this process repeats.it's really nerve-racking and i'm just so afraid...





possibly too afraid still
even if i ignored some of my fears and loved you there are still things that make me tremble
as i think about everything when i can't sleep on those late nights.
i seriously don't know what i should do
wait more or slink away