even in all the anger i miss you

people tell me he's not worth it but i close my ears to their words

i don't care if you made mistakes

i don't care that you have hurt me

all i want is you

even after hearing all those things

i love you

i wish you would feel the same

but i don't want to force that on you

just remain a friend

and maybe someday

the love i have for you will transform into a different love

a stronger love that helps me be just your friend

after all you're someone i never want to have out of my life

we can do friends

it'll hurt at first but with time it'll subside into happiness

to see you happy will make me smile

to you

from the start there were secrets that you've kept from me
from the start you made your web of lies
you had me fooled from the start
what an amazing actor you are
a round of applause and a toast

nothing going on my ass
hmm you love me BULLSHIT
if you did you would have never kept the secrets
never hide past relationships
never lied continuously
no more secrets

would you at least wait a couple weeks before going back to your ex
who was annoying you or so you say
you don't want to hurt me
don't make me laugh

you obviously don't know the people that surround me
or me
you think you'd get away with it?
ha far from it
even if i do stop people from beating you to a plup
karma is gonna kick the living shit out of you

am i mad? that's hardly the word for it
do i hate you? i can hate you as much as i loved you
at least for me i really meant it when i said those three words
like an actor bravo for the very well rehearsed meaningless lies you fed me

how many times have you lied to me
cheated
you really haven't changed
i went against my own mind because i cared about you
i believed you

are you worth all the tears i have cried
you didn't want to hurt me huh
it seems like that was you intent all along
one time after another your bullet wounds went deeper
yet i still held on
people telling me you weren't worth it
i ignored their advice
i guess i was the stupid one

there is mixed feelings in me
sadness betrayal anger
i wonder what you're feeling right now
i know it's not regret nor is it sorrow

honestly you never did love me
i told you from the start not to say it if you didn't mean it
but you play your cards oh so well
not one feeling of guilt past through you
not the time were you lied when you told me you haven't had a girlfriend in a long time
not the time where you said you had nothing going on with her
not the time when you had sex with a different girl
not the time you said no more secrets when everything was a secret
not the time you said you were sorry
the list could go on and on

after the break up i knew i would still take you back
if it were to happen again
but now i can't even if my heart still throbs
i won't because i won't be able to be with you
without wondering if you're cheating
if you're lying
if you are saying those well rehearsed lines

you know the worst part of all this is
i love you[if only you actually were the person i thought you were]
i miss you [all the good times we had together]
i want you in my arms[the times i thought you actually meant what you said]

if i see you again i know i will i'm gonna want to punch you

yes an this time i'll be mad this time i won't try to hold back

i'm gonna want you pound your fucking face into the pavement and i won't want to stop until your heart stops beating

i'm gonna cry like i've never cried before

because when i think about it you never treated me like a girlfriend

at least not like how you treat her so i know you never loved me

because i would rather be tortured than go through the pain i'm in that you have caused

as i write this tears flow so easily as easily as your words

when i said i love you i meant it truly with all my heart

i really wonder why why why why you even asked me out

you could've said the next day oh sorry i didn't mean it

that would have been so much better

yet you dragged it on until i loved you

for you

never question a woman's intuition about about woman
so prove me wrong

because you know what i'm thinking
about you and her
right now by your actions my intuition is right
so prove me wrong
there's nothing going on you say
there IS something going on between you and her i say
yet you deny it
i wonder what she thinks of this
did she even know about me probably not
i was a rebound a second choice
no? i wasn't so tell me why i feel this way between you and this girl
there are only two paths


path number one you lied to me once more
i'll never trust another word that tumbles out of your mouth
you haven't changed not at all
actions speak louder than words
woman's intuition is right

path number two i'm wrong
you've changed and what you have said i can believe
actions are little compared to words
i'm sorry i have doubted you
woman's intuition is wrong

the sky is falling and i'm trying to hold it up as best as i can
but the weight of it seems to be overwhelming

the words you have said are ringing in my ears
yet it seems like you don't mean it.
somehow you had this planned and you're gonna run to her
i'll play along with your game then shoot you down
i'm gonna fuck you up if you think you can play with me
the words out people are talking
show me that you mean what you say
saying it is not enough anymore
take out your guns this fight will be between you and me
don't make me pull the trigger

but behind this facade i'm breaking
you've managed to wound me first
the pain feels like death and i'm going down
the world swirling around me
nothing makes sense anymore


fuck everything.

i'm still trying

i'm  getting mixed signals 

you made it seem like everything would end but you continue to talk to me like you always do

you still send me good mornings:) and call me during break

i feel hopeless because the things you keep doing reassures me but i'm still trembling on the inside

i want to know what you want to say 

i know it might not be a bad thing but that's the feeling i get 

and it makes me uneasy

it makes me want to breakdown

anxiety hits me more often now

heavy breathing the feeling of being stuck the fear that i might die soon

panic constricts me almost every day

yet i carry on shaken dreading the time where my mind takes over

as you send me those signals i'm breaking down more and more

there's a few reasons why i'm not dust right now

there is a foundation that is holding me up

for that i'm grateful though sometimes during panic i want to just break those down

because once you're gone there is no worries no hurt no sadness no nothing

everything disappears

stop sending mixed signals they're crushing more effectively than just telling me straight up

you're not the only one feeling the way you do

there is a monster living in me also, her name is jealousy.

i'm shaken to the core of my very being. i'm not quite sure if it's sadness or anger that seems to have overwhelmed me. there's a spark that lights on and it dies as fast as it is lit. anger can quickly turn into sadness and then into happiness. happiness to sadness and then to anger. there are little things that i wish you could comprehend i wish you could open your eyes and see the things that others cannot. i'm looking out to a place where you might be. that is my focus to get to your little island but the waters are shaky and i see another boat floating your way. i want to calm these waters and not drift too far. i can't help but think that the other boat will reach you before i do and as i think that tears run down my face yet i still press forward.

one there are things that you do that make me wonder things that you say. i want to know exactly what i am to you because honestly i'm not sure anymore. there things you do irritate me but i put up with it without a single word. there is no person no animal nothing and no one that is perfect and we seem to agree on that. there is a feeling that's bugging me nagging me telling me that you haven't told me the whole truth and that you are locking things up inside of you because there is still something going on. the things you should have said were left unsaid and now look where it has brought us. there is no connection. no trust from the begining we had an understanging or we just left it alone not knowing how to bring it up. two it was a rocky begining to start off with don't you think? i never knew much about you and you about me and the gossip we heard from others just molded into our minds regardless if they were true or not. the gossip came as a shock and was then embeded into our head. three sometimes i think you don't care. you make it seem like you're in this just because. sometimes i feel you're doing this as a result of an action that you're hearts not there.

i don't know what else to say but i know you've managed to wedge yourself into a place where i wanted to keep locked up for a long time. as i tried to block out everyone you found a way in.

those days

lit cigarette
half empty bottle of water
and a fat line of half a purple power
the other half is beside the cerdit card and a rolled up bill
that was life a few months ago
i thought i grew out of it
i'm doing better now
not seeing this scene everyweek
but i want to return to it
it feels just like what they're named after
everyone is my best friend or they're a disgusting loser
more towards the best friend side though
i want this feeling all the time
i just want it to be provided for me like the roof over my head
and the food that i consume
i think i would trade food for this
i don't need food if i have this in it's place
my mind is going down that road again
i should stop it but it's moving
my cigarette burns
inhale exhale
snort the line and wait till an incredible feeling takes over your body.

♠

all that you've done for me
i'm forever grateful that you walked into my life
even though we didn't get along at times
you helped me in so many ways
the things you wouldn't even think twice about
made me smile
the times i make you mad or aggravate you
i'm sorry
we've had our good days and our bad days
either one we grew

so thank you

the dam has broken

broken and the river gushes out

there is a relief that seems to follow it

like a person holding their breath finally being about to EXHALE

the water carries out all the emotions that the dam held back

down down the river they flow

out of sight

let's make this right

no more holding things in

don't you want to be like this dam right now

so let's start talking

we've managed to break apart bits and pieces of this

so why can't we break it down?

time is ticking

slowly time is ticking
every second i am left alone i tear this photo apart
my thoughts jumble and mesh into one
that one thought all points away from the direction i want it to be
seconds turn to minutes minutes turn to hours
as sit shredding the good times seeing that one image over and over again in my head
i hope you know there's a reason i kept silent all this time
why i didn't question but it seems like i've made a mistake
and i should've asked you from the start
now i've made my own conclusions and you can't blame me for them
because it's the way you carry yourself what you say how you act
i'm allowed to make my guesses
the clock ticks as i lie in bed thinking about that night and what i saw
what runs through my mind are all those things that led me to believe my conclusion
sometimes i think the things you say are lies
and when that phrase comes out of your mouth i want to plug my ears
because i told you the day i met you i don't want to hear it if you don't mean it
and i have every right to think that you're lying to me or not telling me something that i should know
because i caught you once but kept silent because i thought that maybe one day you would tell me but it seems you're holding on to someone
i don't want to be a second choice or a play thingit seems like it at times
tick tick tick
that's all i think about now
who and what

i'll string words together and make them in to a beautiful song just for you

i'll let my heart rule my head for just a second

every moment i have with you i cannot seem to stop smiling

because i'm living in the moment but when i'm alone my mind over thinks

and i'm thrown off to a black hole.

this moment we have i find it precious so reassure me that i'm not wasting my time with you

that you won't pop this bubble filled with bliss

you know i that my heart beats fat for you

that what i'm feeling for you is real so please don't treat this as a game

every word that flies out of your song let it be as true too

don't give me reason to cry just hold me and love me with a pure heart

oh the worries of a young girls heart at the first relationship

sweet and cute

innocent and insecure.

the most amazing love of all