don't speak like you know
don't lecture like you've been down my road
don't talk like you've been in my head
don't tell me what to do
i am capable of thinking for myself
and in my mind your will is second to my command.
consideration is taking in of course
but it is i who will make the choice
my word is final
what i think what i do it's my choice my say.
so don't try to mold me in your demanding hands.

so just back the fuck down and leave me be.

i'm going through one of those again
mood swings:i'm solid one second and the next i crumble
anger rages through me for no reason
i over think and sadness puts me down into the blue
over thinking is my main problem
i really an unstable
it's hard not to be someone you miss
it's hard not to revert back to the ways where you laughed
though the reasons you laughed were because of the chemicals you mixed into your blood.
i want to feel like that again
i want to look the way i did
i want my stomach to stop crying out for food whenever i'm sad or angry or bored.
i want my whole to be absorbed in that tall green bottle
or i want to sink into the powders of blue purple yellow orange green red white
i want to detach myself like before
all worries sank away
now i'm overflooded with them and i want the easy way out
no not suicide but rather a slower version i suppose
to drown in intoxications
intoxications make me not give a damn and frankly i really need to stop caring about everything
i'll over work every movement you make every word that goes unsaid every word that you do say everything you do
it'll be under my supervision and i will make scenarios in my head
over work over think everything
is this self destruction?
self destruct i wish i had a button for that because right now i really need it
i'm craving all that i did i want it back
a big OD and i don't care i wouldn't care


why the fuck should i fucking care?
do you realize that you're in that fucking mess again?
why is it that no one gets that all i need is security and no one will fucking give it to me?
fuck you fuck you fuck you
go burn in hell you'll never give me what i need
you'll always come up short because you need people tell you what to do
you can't figure out for your fucking self what others need.
blah blah blah sweet words sweet words pour it into my ears
i don't need that shit if you're gonna pour those words in why won't you show it too?
why don't you tell me what's on your mind really? or do i have to dig it out of you? it's like you have such a hard time but really do you?
here's the pattern i see when i know some shitty thing is gonna happen
contenment happiness honeymoon and then for no reason things warp and the honeymoon suddenly shuts off and now i'm left to show you that i still care and i don't think you think twice about it.
thats when it all starts to go down it's really stupid but maybe it's me?

maybe it is me that's causing all this hurt for myself
is it because i'm filled with green easily?
maybe it's my want for control that makes everything spin out of control
just like my head is doing now spinning spinning
it's my fault?

fuck no it's theirs

but why is it theirs and not yours?

how the fuck would i know?

so it is yours...

that's always how things end up like i'm not supposed to show anger around them or sadness
because with anger they'll think i'm a bitch and leave me in the dust
and with sadness they'll get annoyed that i'm being such a brat and they'll leave me in the dust...

what the fuck? why can't i show my disappointment when they can clearly show theirs? unfair.

but what if i really can show them and it won't be how it's played out in my head...

somehow i doubt it?

well then shouldn't you say FUCK YOU and leave them in your dust?

i really can't do that. this force holds me to them. love is that what it's called? the reason i care so much when i feel i shouldn't.

do you really need people like them in your life though? they don't show you they care even half as much as you do...

so?

so?!? what the fuck do you think you're saying stop selling yourself short.

is that what i'm doing? because i feel like i'm lucky enough to have people like them...sometimes they manage to take me away from the blue and put me into the white...



some people think i'm so composed whatever if they only knew what chew me up at night or what makes me tick.
the fact is there's hardly anyone that knows me even in the slightest bit.
well if you can barely scratch the surface well then i'll just simply flick you off pow and off you go sailing through the air
i realized yeah there isn't really anyone who really knows me how sad? how long have i known these people for?
how well do i know them? do i even care to stop and see how your face distorts when you're in pain or they way you go silent when monsters drag you into the blue? can i tell when you're lying by your actions or eye movement?
what is wrong with me?
i'm malfunctioning or was i defect to begin with?

do all people go to mood swings as severe as i or is it just me?
i hate the time i have to think. my mind works against me.

"If I fell in love with you would you promise to be true,
And help me understand?
'Cause I've been in love before, and I found that love was more,
Than just holding hands.
If I give my heart to you,
I must be sure from the very start,
That you would love me more than her.
If I trust in you, oh please,
Don't run and hide,
If I love you too, oh please don't hurt my pride like her.
'Cause I couldn't stand the pain,
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain.
So I hope you see,
That I would love to love you
If I fell in love with you."
-If i fell.[the beatles]
across the universe version


i feel as if i'm walking on egg shells again
i ask attraction why i'm attracted to those how carry flames for the past
but i think it's my fault for being attracted to them
i wish i could stop myself but i can't
i've walked beside two that traveled the same path
and it looks like i'm going to walk again for the third time
three is supposed to be the charm right?
i hope so because slowly my thoughts just turn to him
i am letting myself fall once more
but i think this will be the last time i'll so freely let myself fall
three is also a strike out
then i'm done.
i'll close my heart up and throw it far away from me as i possibly can.
but for now i need to get the security i've always wanted.
how foolish was i to let logic get the best of me when emotions are so illogical.

good evening one and all.
when you're feeling a bit down or stuck never fear the feeling won't last. here is my helping hand and listening ear right here. when tears fall or when you let your fist talk don't fret it's only a surge of emotion erupting. here's a handkerchief to wipe away the tears or the blood and a pair of arms to hold you right here. you see you're never alone for i will be right here. so if you need a someone to help you keep your head up you know where to find me, hmm in fact you won't even need to try to find me i will be right there when i can feel that you're down. can i ask though will you sprout wings from your back and pick me up when i'm in need of you? can you be the angel whose voice can make my problems disappear? those wings will take me above the blue i won't need silly substances to take me there anymore all i would need is you and in return i shall also take you there high above the clouds past the blue. i'll show you the universe and all the gleaming stars. so here i am where are you? i'm waiting dear. you me him her them she he i let's take a trip not just to the moon but every fucking planet and beyond. shed a light on this i've always wondered how this friendship thing really worked i mean it's amazing how humans interact isn't it? so what makes he who is your friend different from him that you talk to everyday in math? connection? attraction? similarity? how is it that some you treat like family and others are just people you hung out with in high school? do you see what i'm trying to say here? what makes them so different? how is it that you are so close sometimes to people you don't really talk to that much anymore? was it the history? LOVE. that's supposed to be in there somewhere right? blood related not blood related friends husband and wife boyfriend and girlfriend whatever. love is so strange undefined vast unfair kind and what not.
this strange feeling though i know i feel it for my friends i can feel it strongly i can't figure out why but they're special. they're my cup full of sunrays and i love them. yes yes LOVE them. one day i'll figure it out or someone can open my eyes on this. you know it's possible there is no answer other than that love is love. done. enough said. you never know.

imagine standing in a meadow
and there are two lights heading toward you from opposite directions
one is a light blue and the other is a soft pink
they twist and turn as they zoom toward you
you are captivated by their beauty
it's like art drawing itself
you do not know if they'll speed right through you or if they'll exploded as they collide or even if they'll blend together
will you stand there awaiting for what's to come or will you think about if you should step out of the way?
people are always presented with two choices.
one choice is usually logic and rational
the second choice is usually irrational
the mind and heart seem to be at a constant battle with each other
my mind is fighting my heart right now
they seem to be fighting more constantly now
i wish they would stop...i'm becoming more and more careless.
i fall i stumble i run into things i drop things i loose things i slip
i'm bruised i'm cut i'm tired i'm achy
this war within me needs to stop or maybe i can just stare at those lights to help me forget where i am.

hello, grey clouds that hang above our heads
you start storming as we lay thinking in our beds
i wish to sweep you away
and then keep you at bay
for you cause tears to fall
from the eyes of the ones i love most of all
if i had the power to make you back up
and tremble everytime i said whaddup
i would do so in a heartbeat
but you, storm cloud is not someone that would just sit in your seat
but i'll keep trying
'cause i'm yet to be crying.



so back the fuck off mr.grey
i'm here to blow you away

there once was a girl whose life was so content
but then there was someone that came along trying to win her consent
at first it seemed like cupid shot arrows from above
but then her world was shaken by this new love
she was just a girl and he was just a boy
they thought they were each others joy
you would think this fairytale would have a happy ending
nope this isn't the ending of the whole fairytale but just a chapter ending
so many girls and boys find someone they would like to be their happily ever after
the truth is most times they're just a section of tears and laughter
so the story rolls along
the boy and girl hug and part with a simple so long
of course it's not GOODBYE forever
for they are much to clever
their friendship will grow
as they look for new love to make them glow
this is only the begining of the whole story
wow oh wow there are so much more chapters with the same love glory
when he finds his one and when she finds her one
the fairytale will then be done





we'll follow through with this
until the happily ever after kiss

i'm still up so much for sleep
why can't i sleep when i'm so tired
when all i desperately want to do is close my eyes and drift off to wonderland
my eyes stay open as if someone glued my eyelids to my brow bone
i need to be up early there's never a day where i can sleep in or nap
so why can't i force myself to close my eyes and rest
i am sleep deprived
yet i'm still up thinking completing meaningless task about my room.
boo. ZZZzz...
i suppose 24 hours is not enough for a day.

one two three
cuts bruises blemishes
fatigue headaches bodyaches
i wish this and i wish that
i want i want i want
i think it's time for me to take care of myself now
exercise regularly
eat right
shop for clothes and such not drugs or stoges or alcohol all the time
try to get sufficient amount of sleep
then will i feel a bit better about myself?
i hope so
i hope that dressing myself up like a doll
and looking like a doll will help me feel better about myself
i'm tired of being tired and not caring about myself
i wanna do something for me.

plans change
different songs play
and my mind turns

it's time for a chat

so i'm working on your CD and as i look through all the possible songs i can put on there
a lot of them i have to think twice about
i don't know the songs you like i don't know the type of songs you like really even if you told me
i really don't know anything about you
a lot of the songs are sad a lot of them are about love
but you see i'm not in love with you i'm in like right now
i'm glad i met you i'm glad i am your friend but i think that maybe it's better if i stayed a friend after all you have someone that loves you so much plus i can see you care and love her as much as she does
who am i to step in between that?
this CD will be a CD filled with the phases of a relationship
everyone can relate to it
phase:
-one: you meet someone that can make you smile they make your heart race
-two: you're falling deeper into their eyes and their heart
-three: love it's sweet everything fades away and you're just wrapped up in warmth
-four: problems arise. you yell and scream you say things you don't mean
-five: sorry sorry sorry. forgive? forget?
-six: even when things end you're still neck deep in love it hurts
-seven: you can't forget you remember the days filled with happiness
-eight: you're finally ready to move on

i've thought this CD when you receive it you would think about her as you listen to the songs
but i think i wouldn't mind so much
after all i see the CDs she's made you lying around
it's an obvious sign that you aren't ready to move on
and it's not my thing to want the things an ex has done
or do things i did with an ex with someone new
to me it means you're still hanging on.
that's fine really you are a good friend and i'm thankful

so when this CD is made and given
after we have a talk to sort all this out
i think then we can come up with a conclusion if we walk the path as friends or something more.
i realized when we first got into this i took everyone's consideration into this and i worried
and you told me it wasn't about anyone else it was about my happiness
but my happiness comes from the people that surround me
i can be happy if they are so no worries
when i'm sad i can lean on those who can pick me up
don't know you happiness rubs off
we'll try our best to keep that smile for those who need it eh?

i woke up crying because of a dream.
In that dream i felt warmth. I miss the warmth you provided and the security i felt when i was with you. You made me feel that i was one and only though i wasn't.i won't deny i that i do miss those days but past is past you are the day late friend, the knots to my string for you see when i see him i smile.yet at the same time i wish i could feel the warmth as you did but i can't sometimes because he's too stuck on her. I won't share a person. I don't want someone with feelings for another in the end it fucks me over because i'm always second place.
In my dream you were hurt so i went to aid you as i always do with concern. And we started to talk as we wait for this dumbass person who was trying to get my attention(funny i actually know the guy and like the dream he bugs the shit out of me.) looked for antiseptic. I finally dismissed that person with a " you know i didn't ask for antiseptic so i could talk to you someone is actually hurt and i would rather take care of them than chatting it up with you"as i administered to your wound everything melted away. And you talked to me of your gf now but you asked if i was over you without waiting for my answer you said you must be because of something i was listening to. You put your arm around me as a friend would do and we laughed and chatted but the whole time i felt your warmth once more.
As the dream ended that warmth disappeared and i don't know how it feels anymore. I can't summon the feeling of the dream.it felt so real the second before i woke up and i felt the weight of your arm a second after i woke up but it disappeared a second after. It faded and even if i can still recall the dream. Out of my grasp just like you and him.
I woke up with tears streaming. I guess i want to find the security and that same feeling with him but it's impossible when he cares too much for her, When i feel he's just to hooked in what he left. So i'll cry once more, again, as i've done countless times as adolescents do when they feel that their hearts are breaking and everything feels so wrong/unfair.

is it so hard to give me security?
apparently for everyone it is.
apparently i'm running a race i'll always come second place to.
forgive me and my negative attitude but i'm just about to burn out.
i don't want to like people who are so stuck on their past anymore
i suppose it's my fault for being the stupid one to keep liking those like that.





[Mr.YBG you were right i'm sick of like i'm sick of love it hurts it stinks it's nasty.]

i begin to dislike those cat eyes at follow you around
i begin to dislike those cat eyes you are mesmerized by

i am ever so observant or i stumble and see things you wished to keep hidden
i honestly wish i never seen it but at the same time i'm glad i won't be oblivious to what's in front of me.
i seem to over analyze i seem to over think
but either way it makes me uncomfortable because i can see the resemblance
it sends shivers through my spine
and each insecurity that grows i stumble.
one two three there is no security where is it? it always seems to be missing.
how does it slip past my fingers? perhaps because there's a lit cigarette between them trying to keep me sane.

i sit and i watch the way you act, the way you talk, the way you move
just observing the things that make you, you
just as those cat eyes do.

you ask for things just as...nevermind
maybe to create new memories maybe you haven't stepped away
for me it's never the same
there is no same song i will share with you
there is no same anything almost.
i don't know why it just never been like that
maybe so i won't be reminded
maybe because you are different as everyone is.

as i sit and watch you
i get mixed up i know a few things for sure and the rest are just assumptions
you tried to run, you tried to hide, you tried everything
and now i think you've realized that there is no hiding, there is to running from it
but you got yourself in a pickle
you are wavering in and out of the lines as your vision blurs the blacks and whites turn muddy
grey like the smoke that rise up from my mouth.
so did you have a speech planned out or a blue print of your most valued organs
these assumptions must be turned to lies or truths.

those cat eyes gleam and i understand why you are so mesmerized
but really if this is all some childish game i'm not down
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


you better be prepared to swim oceans
because i'm not convinced.
i'll push you just to see if you'll give up
convince me that's all you have to do.
you think you know me? try again
everyone has an opposite side
wanna see mine?