i'm going through one of those again
mood swings:i'm solid one second and the next i crumble
anger rages through me for no reason
i over think and sadness puts me down into the blue
over thinking is my main problem
i really an unstable
it's hard not to be someone you miss
it's hard not to revert back to the ways where you laughed
though the reasons you laughed were because of the chemicals you mixed into your blood.
i want to feel like that again
i want to look the way i did
i want my stomach to stop crying out for food whenever i'm sad or angry or bored.
i want my whole to be absorbed in that tall green bottle
or i want to sink into the powders of blue purple yellow orange green red white
i want to detach myself like before
all worries sank away
now i'm overflooded with them and i want the easy way out
no not suicide but rather a slower version i suppose
to drown in intoxications
intoxications make me not give a damn and frankly i really need to stop caring about everything
i'll over work every movement you make every word that goes unsaid every word that you do say everything you do
it'll be under my supervision and i will make scenarios in my head
over work over think everything
is this self destruction?
self destruct i wish i had a button for that because right now i really need it
i'm craving all that i did i want it back
a big OD and i don't care i wouldn't care


why the fuck should i fucking care?
do you realize that you're in that fucking mess again?
why is it that no one gets that all i need is security and no one will fucking give it to me?
fuck you fuck you fuck you
go burn in hell you'll never give me what i need
you'll always come up short because you need people tell you what to do
you can't figure out for your fucking self what others need.
blah blah blah sweet words sweet words pour it into my ears
i don't need that shit if you're gonna pour those words in why won't you show it too?
why don't you tell me what's on your mind really? or do i have to dig it out of you? it's like you have such a hard time but really do you?
here's the pattern i see when i know some shitty thing is gonna happen
contenment happiness honeymoon and then for no reason things warp and the honeymoon suddenly shuts off and now i'm left to show you that i still care and i don't think you think twice about it.
thats when it all starts to go down it's really stupid but maybe it's me?

maybe it is me that's causing all this hurt for myself
is it because i'm filled with green easily?
maybe it's my want for control that makes everything spin out of control
just like my head is doing now spinning spinning
it's my fault?

fuck no it's theirs

but why is it theirs and not yours?

how the fuck would i know?

so it is yours...

that's always how things end up like i'm not supposed to show anger around them or sadness
because with anger they'll think i'm a bitch and leave me in the dust
and with sadness they'll get annoyed that i'm being such a brat and they'll leave me in the dust...

what the fuck? why can't i show my disappointment when they can clearly show theirs? unfair.

but what if i really can show them and it won't be how it's played out in my head...

somehow i doubt it?

well then shouldn't you say FUCK YOU and leave them in your dust?

i really can't do that. this force holds me to them. love is that what it's called? the reason i care so much when i feel i shouldn't.

do you really need people like them in your life though? they don't show you they care even half as much as you do...

so?

so?!? what the fuck do you think you're saying stop selling yourself short.

is that what i'm doing? because i feel like i'm lucky enough to have people like them...sometimes they manage to take me away from the blue and put me into the white...



some people think i'm so composed whatever if they only knew what chew me up at night or what makes me tick.
the fact is there's hardly anyone that knows me even in the slightest bit.
well if you can barely scratch the surface well then i'll just simply flick you off pow and off you go sailing through the air
i realized yeah there isn't really anyone who really knows me how sad? how long have i known these people for?
how well do i know them? do i even care to stop and see how your face distorts when you're in pain or they way you go silent when monsters drag you into the blue? can i tell when you're lying by your actions or eye movement?
what is wrong with me?
i'm malfunctioning or was i defect to begin with?

do all people go to mood swings as severe as i or is it just me?
i hate the time i have to think. my mind works against me.