this lingering question

why does age matter?
after all now days most people don't act their age
some older people are immature for their age
and some younger people are mature for their age
so what's the big deal about the number of years we lived?
is it the experiences? i doubt it.
there are people that went through so much as a child it's like they've lived the fullness of their lives already
and there are people that were so sheltered that they do not have a lot of life experiences.
so what's the big deal?
i used to think there's something wrong with age differences
especially huge gaps of time between friends and lovers
but now it's not too bad.
yes yes the law is set for a reason i agree
it's creepy when a 11 year old is going out with a 19 year old
but it's not so bad if it were a 17 year old and a 24 year old?
i don't know how this world is run.
nothing makes sense you see when you read this you're gonna be like "god that's fucking sick." but when it really comes down to it
age disappears. what's the difference between friendship and love?
why can 17 and 24 year olds be friends and not lovers?
it comes down to mentality doesn't it?
compatibility? maturity?
all of the above.
damn how does this world make sense when there are so much grey?

baby dont you see that you are falling and bruising
yet you still let yourself wander in danger's path
why are you on the road of self destruction?
is it because the thrill is so much more than anything you could possibly imagine or is it because all that you yearn for treats you like nothing more than a ghost?

victims and predators are all mixed up
trust falls out of place from the past and the people i do or did trust continues to fail me and so my trust ebbs away.
why dont you stand in my shoes and watch yourself, stand in my shoes and feel what i feel?
you bruised me you beat me up you trashed me
yet here i am still
i don't think anything can make me disappear
not matter how hard i try to self destruct no matter how many blows you throw at me
somehow those thoughts make me tear i have to continue living the way i do trying to fix bad habits so i can make myself believe i'm fixing myself up when i'm not
but you see no matter what i'll stand with perfect mirages for every situations

[mmm honey i can't believe you still don't see what drove us apart i understand someone more now for doing what he did. you're so blind and i realized you'll forsake all that is/was good for make believe stories. wake up i'm still waiting for you to get your act together. so will you get it together?]

good evening one and all,
winter has reared it's head and i must admit it has been quite ugly. everyone has been stressing out about finals, research papers, and college deadlines. my stress levels have been off the charts not a good time to "try" to quit smoking, which i have failed miserably. cold turkey is quite an impossible task to do after two years of filling my lungs with the chemicals my mind craves it even as my body rejects it. But hopeully with winter break swinging around i'll be able to go out more, stay out more. don't count on it though as the night sky falls much faster now and my parent's paranoia continues to grow. i can't wait one more semester then i'm breaking free from these chains. of course there's always ways to fly under the radar which i will do soon. it's been awhile since i've let chemicals besides ones in bud, cigarettes, alcohol and cold medicines into my body. i think i'll plan a day for it and get suuuupppper whooo. hey i deserve indulgence once in a while. i've been keeping clean for you don't you think i deserve a reward? hmm, i dislike this sneaking around to stay out i have to do it makes me nervous but i want my freedom once in awhile. this week and next week then i'm good i'll be fairly good until i grad. Then watch me progress through my life with out your opinions weighing me down. i bet i'll learn more about life's do's and don't's by myself faster i'll learn about life friends love well without your help. anyway the story of my life right now is second choice. how wonderful it sounds right? ahaha barely but i'm getting over it. come on now life is too short to be holding long grudges plus there're WAY more and better opportunities. yessuh! of course things get me down in fact some things get me way down so deep in the blue it's hard for anyone to pull me out. people go through phases like that, they drift in and out. right now i suppose i am pretty content besides the fact i'm missing TLK very much i haven't seen them in a while now and i honestly really really miss them. so i hope i will be able to see them soon with it being winter break and all. OH! i turned in college apps and it was turned in with a personal college essay. remember that college essay i wrote in junior year? i revised it and turned it in. i believe it's one of the best papers i've written one that can really tell what i cherish in my life. ahh, with all that done turned in and awaiting for reviewing i feel so relieved. two more finals, one of which is slam poetry with my english class, that one will be a breeze. hope all goes well in my math final, it's tomorrow first thing in the morning so wish me luck~.

BON CHANCE everyone on finals and what not <3~!

i must say god you're such an ass
when i'm trying to do something fucking nice for you
all you do is yell at me
and when i'm just not giving a fuck
you ask why can't you ever do something nice?

what the hell do you want me to do?
what the fuck is it that you're asking for?
i can't read your fucking mind...


you know at times like this
i turn to my friends and you ask why i can't talk to you or won't
because you don't seem to understand why i do the things i do
you don't seem to understand why you need to loosen up just a bit
i get that you want me safe i get it
but how am i ever gonna grow as my own person locked inside your walls?
when you chain me down with do's and don't's my wings will never be able to expand?
you want me to be successful then let me learn and grow on my own terms
rules and regulations are a must
but with everything there needs to be balance
please find that.

the sides:

anger irrational/words that are just filled with impluse and no thought/vent/sorry i'm not the person you see me as;
that's fucking great really.good.for.you.you should've never started to talk to me out of the blue. you know what i think R------. that's what it was. you clearly like to play with people don't you. you fucking knew what would happen you knew the possibility yet you said the words you shouldn't have said it shouldn't have even crossed your mind. you made it seem like you burried it all but the fact was it hasn't even touched the dirt. i wonder how you really feel? fuck you. \whatever. it's like whenever i'm angry i can never show it. all the words offend and i want to say them as soon as they hit my mind even though i really don't mean them so what it'll do damage to you. what's so great about them anyway why can't you yell like they do you know you got it in you to match their anger? they're not fucking gods. get mad scream at them tell them all to fuck off. fuck you fuck your shit don't fucking let them walk all over you they aren't mighty they're just pawns.i'm a pawn too but that's the point you're equal they're not greater or lesser than you. so scream at them when you're angry just do it.


pushover don't worry you're right it's ok; you also knew the possibility remember from the start you knew that things were moving much to quickly and it was odd the way things started. he really didn't want it to be like this just like the other. how is it that you believe the other and not him? the words he say are sincere plus you really can't be angry after all from this wasn't a stronger friendship born? if he didn't start talking to you would you have? no so don't spout out words you don't mean.
you're too afraid to say the words you don't mean because you don't mean it. plus you're a pawn too. you're equal to them.


reason the calm the mature; you know it's stupid to let something as little and childish as this come between a friendship. you have more control not to say words on impluse controlled by anger. you know you don't think when you say it so cool it hun it isn't the end of the world. you can maintain a friendship just as before it's probably better that way anyway.


sadness the hopeless romantic; i wonder how horrible i was in my past life to deserve that is happening now? is it just me so fucked up in the head? three times in a row. three stirkes. i'm done i'm done. three guys with past the lingers past that they won't let go of. past they return to. why do you start to fall for people like that shouldn't you know already that you'll be hurt in the end always. that's just the way it is. i must've been a evil person in the past. maybe it isn't even in a past life what if i'm repressing some horrible thing i did in this life? karma? i'm so broken down beat down tired. i want to sleep forever never wake up again.i'm sick of the hurt i'm sick of people dropping my heart like it's nothing. three stirkes you're out i'm done. come one ice princess you're waken from your slumber take over and freeze over.


relief; at least i have a solid answer now...


kindness; i'm glad you're happy though. so please don't worry about me. don't you dare frown because i'm hurt you should be smiling plus i'll be ok with time. so smile and don't worry i'm here as your friend nothing is gonna change that. i would never want to be with you if i knew being by my side would make you fall short of happiness. a few tears and i'll be good as new after all i'm just a teenaged girl it would be weird if i was totally ok with everything right? silly. i really couldn't get really angry at you over something like this and stay mad you know me wayyy better than that. i'm happy things worked out i knew you loved her a lot. love is amazing isn't it? make her happy and keep it that way.  i'll be A-OK so don't turn your head  ok? heehee.


stupidity controlled by anger; it's ok i didn't love you so it didn't hurt as much as it would've if i did love you. it did hurt though a lot more that i thought...


???; i don't even know anymore. words are nothing to me they lose their power the meaning. words are nothing. to walk the walk is where everything is and if you can only talk well then i don't give a shit about you. i being to hate words more and more. i begin to hate myself more and more. what's with all this hate? it's growing...negative engery is not good but i haave no power to convert it into positive engery. you were the last straw. the final weight to make me crumble. i was going through a bad time before the two before you and the stress of this and that and the monsters that came back once more to eat away at me. finally i crumbled. lifeless.
i want to put my self in danger's path. do things without thinking. see people that i've avoided just because i don't care anymore. there's no way i can be any more damaged than i already am. i want to speed and collide with danger. so that's what i'll do. health fuck it. physical let's get cut and bruised. let's brake some bones. let's bash my head in. i'm down. i don't care. i'm corrupted anyway. just lay me down to sleep or numb me with a heavy dose of chemicals.

i do a good job putting on a smile.
i do a good job making people believe that smile is real
i do a half assed job making me believe that smile is real but sometimes i can trick myself.

funny ain't it?
my sillyness hardly ever fails me when i need it just like my smile
i just take it out of a bag and put it on
and i'm ready to go so i won't be over flooded with question that only annoy me.
but this trickery is only taken out when i've hit a certain low.


good job ivy!
*clapclapclapclapclap*

ba-bump......ba-bump......ba-bump......
eyes close body relaxes breathing evens out
this is the state i want to remain it
the state of rest the state of peace
REM or NREM i don't care.
i'm jumbled up i need to figure out
do i hate myself for putting myself into those situations
or do i dislike them for bringing me into those situations?
i can never put the blame on them but i want to point fingers.
there's too many these and those i need factor in
there's too many actions and words i need to add
there's too many dots i need to connect
and there's too many thoughts that might not even be facts that i need to consider
to sleep everything off would be a cowardly way out
to fall asleep and never wake up or to hibernate for a 100 no 1000 years
will it change anything?
probably not i'll still have conflicts with myself and the new friends i make when i wake.
so what's a solution to fix everything to make it the way it was?
what's the bold way to figure this out?
i need more doors that lead out rather than ones that take me in circles.
at this point i want to push people away but i really might need their help
i want to be alone but at the same time i want comfort
yet who are the people that will really help me
who are those people i call friends? why? new factors...new problem
i need to figure things out fast because i'm done fighting against the deep blue and i'm letting myself fall into it because i'm so tired of fighting it.
deep blue.
like water i'll sink down down down down
maybe the bottom will be pitch black with strange monsters scarier than the ones above
or maybe i'll find burried treasure.

you would think you would get used to things that happen more than once
wrong. that's a bunch of bull shit in some cases.
you think it's something you can just get over because it happened before
it should be easier but that goes to show how much you know
you think you can handle it? go ahead and try
maybe you can better than i can
you see though you can't say i know how you're feeling or things like that
because you don't know
why you have never walked in my footsteps ever
no experience was the same as mine similar yes but not the same
if you say you can grasp the feeling somewhat that would be more understandable
people sometimes do not get it
they don't understand
and they do not adjust as well as they want to believe.



















whatever.
i don't care. systems shut down.
done.