your smiles hide all that you want to show
what you've kept locked up afraid to let it go
but when you're alone the monsters rage a war
fighting the want to let tears down your face
what can you say to make everything go away?
time travel isn't an option
you can't fast forward so all this is over and done with
you can't rewind so this never happened at all
you're waiting for a certain call to tell you that everything's alright
waiting and waiting the call isn't coming so what are you to do?
keep waiting or cave in or throw this to the back of your mind?
you're ready to give in but your pride stands in the way
but will you let this pride make a friendship falter
yet at the same time if they don't do anything to resolve this why should you always be the one to make amends when you're not even at fault?
you'll sit there waiting for the call that might never come
hiding behind a smile so that they'll see that you're just fine
when all you want to do is run in to their arms
has he gotten rope tied to your neck?
this is ridiculous. if they only knew...
you can't even give yourself an answer because you don't even know.
which side of your brain is right?
always over-thinking that's your fucking problem because now you're twisted up in knots confusing only yourself.

guys are hard to figure out but girls are even harder
sometimes they say one thing but they mean another or the fact that they expect you to know what's going on in their heads when they don't even utter a word
yes we are a complicated species but that's what makes us oh so lovely.
yeah right disgustingly attracted to one another
if i could only explain without sounding psychotic i would
but i know what i say will sound very odd to you so one day maybe you'll see
if you can figure it out you have a wonderful power
put it to good use
if not i will say keep searching
what makes you desired, how do you need to act?



there's not a guy with the right balance of what i'm looking for
at least from the guys i know
yet there are guys that pull at my heartstrings waiting for a chance.
i'm not sure if i'm up to giving them that chance out of fear.

your eyes are sad but you're still alright

i don't handle arguments well
my temper fires up and burns hateful words that are waiting to spew out
words i don't mean
impulses i don't think about the words it just appear and pop out
i'm sorry but at the same time i'm not well at least not in that moment
after the ashes have cooled
i feel like a piece of me has gone missing and i regret all that i have spoken
i can't be mad anymore because i'm always reasoning it out for the opposing side

if there was a way your eyes would land on this page
i'm still upset but please let's not let that get in the way of our friendship
because i know you tried and i'm grateful so thank you for trying
really thank you i know i wasn't then but i am now
no matter what all my friends say i'm gonna look forward to the next time we hang out
i'm not one to stay mad forever or even for a long time
not a lot can make me that mad for a long time
i'm sorry if i was a bitch but we both had a horrible day.
faults on both ends.
i don't think i would be happy if i never talked to you again
strange the way our friendship started and grew
for it to come to an end if it does over something like this would make me extremely sad
sad because then our friendship didn't mean as much as i thought it meant
sad because you would be out of my life
sad because over the time you became someone i cared about
so i hope we can work this out and clear it all away

let's edit through all the bad bits

Youth Speaks,HI workshop freewrite

BARCODE PHOENIX
before he was a barcode phoenix, he was a man with unique DNA imprinted in himself
much like the barcode on items you buy at a store
he made decisions in life that classified him as an asshole
for he was a greedy piece of shit
killer of innocence and crude cheater
that made girls bearers of life
there were so many it was like maggots to a fresh corpse
though after many years he died physically, his spirit lived on in countless people who infested the once pure Earth
like a phoenix never really dying
each imprinted with a special code embedded into their crude hearts
stamped into their minds, black lines thin and fat in a certain order that can be found twisting their logic
in their pants a burning desire that they can't won't control
a barcode phoenix is someone you would not like to cross paths with for they will leave you in pieces
there is still hope though maybe they'll change
maybe they'll wipe away that code and put out the fire
but that's entirely up to them...who knows maybe their hearts are tainted that deeply.
stay clear of the barcode phoenix.

hello sweet.

"you and me are waiting for this light to turn green"

i wish i was free like a creature of myths
someone free bold and beautiful like artemis
armed with a bow and silver arrows as cold as the night air yet as soft as a moonbeam
she only loved once whom she shot down fooled by her brother's wits
she strung him up in the sky three beautifully aligned stars is what i find when i look up
her lover's belt.
i wish i was free like her with no worries to tie her down
everyday she does what she loves she knows exactaly who she is
where as i, i stumble through life not doing what i love, not knowing who i am
i'm tied down by aliments to the heart and clots of the mind
worries of tomorrow keep me from restful sleep
but i remember lying in bed those nights and seeing her brightness shine her soft silky beams
sooner or later she'll lull me to much need sleep.
if i find my orion i'm sure i'll kill him too
but the difference is not with an arrow but a much slower death
the torture of being with someone such as i are i believe risky for your heath
i will not go into detail for it's much too long of a list
but just know i didn't want to kill you i didn't know
i thought love was enough but in this world it is not
love is jumbled up anyway it's value isn't want it once was
kids overused it adults misused it.
true love that's so rare.
even with all that said i love you will escape my lips
"i love you" three magical words that fleeted from her pale lips
to be artemis to be free to run with stars twinkling around my feet
would be like a dream.

you look so lovely with hallowed eyes
the dark circles encase those almond shaped eyes like a glass display box
it fills up with rage as quickly
a forest fire it doesn't die down but it gets bigger and bigger
hallow eyes you call for sleep
hallow eyes you call for destruction
self terminating holes through walls
bash and break your own skull in there are two types of people
people to get mad and whips it back at the person who caused them strife physically
and there are those you can strike you in the heart.
the people that can attack your heart are the cruelest and most insane ones
because they're not afraid to put themselves on the line to hurt you.
by doing so the guilt put on you rips you apart and more painfully than a mere physical beating would do
bright eyes you fade no longer a glimmer of life in your eyes put a glossy film has covered it
glass eyes.
hollowed eyes watching you beware.

insomnia digs up my past like it goes hand in hand with faded memories
it strikes me right in the heart where there should be a scar but it's still a fleshy wound
it was a year ago a full year ago
why do still hurt so?
your presence still wraps around me engulfing me
you have me in a cage still locked up from a year ago
my sad eyes beg you please come back
my loving soul surrounds you
you've hurt me the most by being unhappy by hurting yourself
i miss you my heart still bleeds from the wound you left
and i couldn't get myself to take out the knife engraved with your name
i want it there so you could come back and claim it
then heal the gushing organ you left behind.
i love you stronger than day one it hurts more and more each day
as i go through life without you by my side and only my side.
i used to like insomnia because you would stay up with me and talk
but now it's just a cold memory that i want to relight.
please be strong my dear love don't hurt me anymore

two sides collide
too focused one critiques not working hard enough another demands
they both thing the other is wrong and weird
so who do i listen to?
i thought art was about expressing yourself
but all art teachers have their own set of rules and standards you have to live by
art is supposed to have no limitations but i'm constantly be restricted
one says NO you cant do this and you cant do that
another says this and that is not for you
what the hell can i do?
one you let others do whatever they damn please to do
but for me it's always no no no. i regret signing up for your class because i've been begining to lose interest in art
another you always help but they things i do in your class it's not me at all the more i sit in your class i realize my talent is fading or i never had one to begin with
i'm bitter towards both of you because you both took what i once loved to do and made me grow weary of it.
i'm out of inspiration i cant put lines and shapes on a paper to make something i like anymore
i hate it all.
expressing yourself is what art is supposed to be
but both of you have me in shackles and now my mind has too like a lock has been installed in my imagination cabinet.
i feel like i've been stripped of a hobby and i blame it all on you.

"drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown"


i have no idea who am i am
i'm lost in the chaos of trying to figure it out
all the talents i thought i had pop like balloons pressed up against a wall with thousands of protruding needles
when i wonder where i am in life the anxiety sets in and i feel like i've been put into a sweatbox
things go hazy as i sit in this humidity that seems to make me gasp for air.
i refuse to let these things make me burn out and spiral down into deep oblivion
i'm still hanging on with a finger
i jot down words that make seem to make me feel more connected to the world
but i've detached myself from the people that bash me
words how can you heal my soul with it was you that destroyed it?
i can't take risk because i know with risk comes a heavy does of failure
your putrid words made me afraid to fail.
i'm not one to live with that motto if you fall get up and try again
when i fall i stay down and think
from down there is up but you forget there is also the sides
and so instead of going up i head to the side.
i'm not immobile
but i don't have wings to soar.

we dance like moonbeams on waves
hand in hand like lyrical pains
there's nothing more to gain
all that once was has gone down in the drain
that's were we glisten the most
when our hands are at each others throats
we're stuck in our castles surrounded by moats
alligators and terminators
all surround me say hello to my personal exterminators
bam bam pow shot down see you laters
uh no not laters hell no bitch i aint going to hell with you
i'll smoke doobie and rise higher than the blue
because you see when the high sets in that's when things become true
then you'll see what it is that we do
where our words come from derived from the heart too
you see why we're so attracted even though all we do is bash faces in
not with our fist but with the words that we be sayin'
ouch it hurts so much more than blows to my face
or for the matter any other place.
we are a perfect match made in hell
and man that sits with me so well.

you invade my thoughts like an unwanted guest
as i sit and embark on this chemical quest
your face appears but in all honesty it's not something i detest
mmm the burn down my throat
makes me want to write you a personal note
if you know what i mean
of course you after all you run this game run this school just like a dean
or so you think dear boy
ha ha you think you're so coy
but baby baby you don't hold the ace
so don't think you can get to another base
yet you still have me wrapped up in lace
caressing my body poison for the future
god i'm such a loser
letting you pop into my mind at any given time
pass me the corona and lime
no scratch that none of that grime
i need me something that cost me a couple more dimes
rum and coke fills my body up just like your image fills up my brain
i thought i had you slain
i see you dont go down easy after all you're far from plain
i wish you'd just disappear
or make the choice to stay right here
yeah here right next to me i saved you a spot dear
loosen up and crack open a beer
let's get faded, so faded that we blend and mix with the background
then i'll rest on my head on your shoulder sleep safe and sound
yeah boy are you down?

chills run up my spine
it's something i can't escape
i've dug a pit and like a fool i dug myself in
i am reminded of those past days
where chemicals ruled my body but i didn't care i was at the highest high aching for more
is it the cold holding on to the me or is it the side effects of long term use?
anxiety attacks whenever it chooses leaving me helpless and a mess.
like today my chest is constricting
and my mind is darting here to there in a matter of milliseconds
my breathing is uneven my hands start to shake
HELP i'm falling i am dying
or so it seems i don't know how to get out of this
how do you make it go away?
go away go away...

yesterday 4:30
i walked in with in anticipation i left with inspiration
but what's weird is the prompt that we wrote was perfect for what's to come
yesterday 10:30 later into the night
the smile has evaporated from your face like it's been doing so often lately
i wrote all night words just appeared sheets after sheets
but the piece that i wrote a few hours before popped into my mind:

Prompt: your tears cloud a beautiful smile
word bank: silhouettes
unleashed
deepest blue
crimson

you're sinking into the deepest blue
it's so hard now to pull you out
i remember the days were you saw, heard, loved every detail
but now all you see is faded silhouettes of what used to be
i wonder who ripped that joy out of your face
who tore through your heart and left me with a broken doll
a doll that is fixable but refused to be fixed
all that pent up sadness and depression locked inside you
once you unleashed it out in a horrible way
i died a little that day i saw the remnants of a crimson trail that trailed down a flesh trail
i heard once that sadness derives from the mind and depression from the heart
sadness cured by pill releasing endorphins
depression cured by smiling for a brighter tomorrow
but the smile that has cracked off your face refused to be fixed
it's hiding behind frown
if i could change the weather
the tears that cloud your beautiful smile would be swept away
you seem to think a cracked smiled is no smile at all but you failed to see i have what it takes to fix the cracks if you would let me.

you fall into the deep chaos that is society
what we need to do is get down to the nitty gritty
you see now we can't tell what's wrong and what's right
so we struggle and we fight
people point fingers at who's at fault
is it the one's one the streets or the ones with the money in the vault?
so where is the war at?
is it in iraq or where the welcome home mat is at?
we isolate and ridicule the less fortunate on a daily basis
yet we try to put on different faces
we are conniving and bile
for money we would run for miles and miles
we are covered in greed
but you see we're not the ones in need
can't you see why we need to stand up and step up to the plate
we're supposed to be the intellectual ones here but that's not the case is it mate?
when will the skies be blue again instead of gray
it's so dark and dull we can't even tell night from day
still there's those who have hope and try to strive
for the power to fix what we've broken, make the dead come alive
no no no not reviving humans that have died but the replenishing of the earth
who has slowly been fading but with the ones that has awoken from this spell can give it rebirth
wouldn't it be nice to see blue skies
instead of the eyes of dead guys
so stop the war that's raging on now whether it be in the streets or a different country
why can't we all love and be free?
free to do what our heart desires instead of being bound in chains
everything horrible and corrupt flushed down the drains

you conceited little bastard
you think you got me in a trap
you think you hold the key and that i'm stuck
but you couldn't be more wrong
i have both the lock and the key
all you have is a tin scrap
you should've looked twice
all you hold is an illusion
i told you before you're much too puffed up
someone needs to deflate that head of yours
you think you're a master of the game
you're so puffed up you can't see the different perspectives
though you drone on and on about it
how you're so analytical and what not
imagination is shot down for you
the only thing you can imagine is you being the center of the world
check what's in your hand i assure you it's no key
remember now that word is thrown around too many times
that word has different meanings
so when you have less of an ego then you can try to get the real key.

you know strangely i'm not hurt at all
just knowing for sure now makes it easier for me
i can just let you go without trying to pry my fingers apart
you are a puzzling creature but i think i've got you figured out
you really should watch your mouth
the words that tumble i've noticed a trend
your actions i've noticed a pattern
you are to simply put it just a boy.
a somewhat conceited boy.
it's really kinda of funny to watch you get all puffed up
it's fun to mess around with you as you think you're messing around with me
you underestimate me silly child.

you say it's silly to read horoscopes and find out what element type you are
you think it's foolish how i want to be in tune with the earth's heartbeat and in sync with the sky's breathing
i can't say i believe whole heartedly but i can say a certain thought crosses my mind from time to time
what if the universe is sending you a sign according to the personality you have?
i mean if you were like me for example i like astrology the so called stupid horoscope is a message from the universe not just something someone made up
because i must tell you that the past couple days things have been dead on
and when i read certain horoscopes your face pops into my mind screaming right and wrong
there was one time a few days ago that really got me thinking about the whole subtle messages from the universe
you sent me 30 something songs at one time and only one came through
the song was a song called falling for
you and i both know we've been giving into the attraction that has i would like to say both of us chained
i remember distinctly that talk we had about that
the attraction between us really is powerful sometimes i think it's so much more but you being you well you're trying to play it cool
anyway....
logical vs. illogical
logical says you're just being retarded there's probably something wrong with the rest of the files or your computer being as fucked up as it is probably messed something up
it says that i just want to see it as a sign because you in fact have feelings for him and some part of you longs for him to be yours.
you're just in denial.
illogical says HOW THE HELL CAN JUST ONE OF 30 SONGS COME THROUGH?!
that one song called falling for, a love song
a love song you know that attraction has been there for a year almost
you should take action. this is a SIGN, a push to tell him because he's waiting for you.

see what i mean how can one tell the difference?
does it even exist?
now that you think about it everything can be a sign or you might just be looking for a sign when in actuality it's just as it seems nothing more
so how do i know?

i should just leave you behind and forget about you because you're the danger
you're someone that is forbidden though i've already walked hand in hand with you
you're excitement and thrill most of all you're a jerk that has created memories that can't be recreated with anyone
please stop playing games with my mind
just disappear and take my memories with you
wouldn't that be GREAT.

i love you
i miss you
i'll see you soon
there is no good bye
just a hello
once more i'll be in your arms
you and me
that's the way it should be