won't you please tell me what i mean to you?
all i want is the honest truth
i don't need your sweet words filled with nothing but air
even though that's what i want to hear but if it's not true
it hurts more
i want sweet words filled with soul

-you said before that you would like them to try as hard as you
you said before that you put your all in to caring for them and all you want was the same affection shown back.
you said that you wanted them to put in effort just as you have.

that's what i want too. do you realize that even though you asked for them to care you failed to notice that i put in more effort then you did to care for ALL of you. exactly as you've said i want the effort i put in returned. honestly if you think real hard you know that i don't get all of that back in fact you know that you don't treat me as well as you make yourself believe. are you shaking your head? hmm well then here's something to get you nodding: if i don't make myself known to you with a hello you don't bother to say anything. I HAVE TO BE THE FUCKING FIRST ONE TO SAY ANYTHING TO YOU, TO HANG OUT, JUST TO TALK, TO MAKE FUCKING PLANS if i don't you won't even include me in it. so why do i need people like you as friends, people who treat me like the paint on your walls?

-you said before that i'd never loose you ever.
you said that i could talk to you about anything and everything
you said that you weren't ready for commitment
you said so many promised that are left broken now because you won't even bother to give me the time of day.

my promised with you still stands as strong as i made them. i don't need a smooth talker i need someone that can give me the security that you failed to give me. yes this might seem selfish but that's how humans are greedy for their well being. the thing is i think i at least deserve promises that are kept. i think i deserve the straight up truth yeah it'll hurt but when you just tell me honey filled words i'll be more hurt in the end and my pride would be bashed. i don't need it anymore i'll shut down my heart and close my ears. i don't need people like you to fall for. i want stability, security, honesty.

i realized in the past and i guess the present that i've fallen for the ones that hold baggage. the ones they can't let go. him and him and you. the baggage i have are made from the ones that were holding on to baggage before. at least i have slowly shaken it off bit by bit. you hold on tight never letting go. i suppose it's my fault for falling for people like that three times in a row. i know i have baggage but you see if you and i both have things we are holding on to how heavy would it be to carry. we'll be crushed under the weight of it all. so what do i do now? he has fallen and so has he and you are falling away.

prove me wrong that this group of friends is something i need in my life because right now i can't believe it is, it's something i want. prove me wrong that it's not as i make it seem. i'm not game over i'm just stepping out on the sidelines for a bit to see if you actually care. don't mad at me for not believing anymore but can you really blame me when you hardly ever show that i matter?

tired of being treated this way
tired of always having to be the first to say anything
tired of all this baggage
tired of being let down
tired of being hurt
tired of this timing
tired of crying tears for and over people that don't give a shit
tired of worrying just for people to say that i'm a bitch
tired of you
tired of them
tired of this cycle
tired of it all

please won't you let me slip in the earth?

i've been counting days
and guess what you failed.
and previously they failed too
so you all failed.
boo it just means i don't need to put in my energy anymore?
why should i be the one that always does this and that first?
fuck that.
don't worry though this isn't the only test given
i believe in second chances
give you a chance to redeem yourself
but that's only if you can see that the test has been set and started.
strike one, you struck out
strike two? can you see the fast ball coming?
strike three? will there even be one?
it's all on you.

i realized that for every moment in your life or a feeling
there is a song that captures so beautifully, so perfectly what you are feeling
i find that amazing
that means there is someone in this world that has gone through something similar
so you're not alone.
music speaks truths to everyone and anyone.

for them:
"I wish you would step back
From that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand, I would understand
The angry boy a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know something's wrong
Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say put the past away
I wish you would step back
From that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand, I would understand
Well he's on the table and he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You could put the past away
I wish you would step back from
That ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand, I would understand
I would understand, I would understand
I would understand, I would understand
Can you put the past away"

rereading the previous posts i've come to miss several things
my fondest memories are written down as well as the the times where i felt like just giving up on life
april that was the start when i first started writing about you
as i read i realized you're still a lingering presence
i miss those days more than anything
i know those days i was beyond content i was truly happy
i was comfortable with who i was because of you
i don't want to be reliant on you for my happiness
but i think with you, that's the time i can be the most like myself
no mask nothing
i can lay it all out just purely me
i'm not content with myself
i feel so disgusting
your words could always soothe me even though i don't think you put your heart into them
i always get tricked by your words but still it lights me up
i really miss those days
promises of seeing each other
promises of being able to rely on each other for anything and everything
promises of loving forever
my promises still stand but i don't think yours do
you are like a leaf blowing in the wind
it's so hard to catch you again
i simply graze your side
do you see everything is different now
i hardly see you we hardly talk
the distance is growing.
but if i could say something to you now this song says it all:

"I've been to just about a million places,
Sunny skies everywhere and in between,
But just to know I'm right here with you,
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Oh my God you're such a beautiful ----,
With such a wonderful way in such a beautiful place,
The sun is shining and it warms my face,
What a wonderful day I just hope it can stay.

I just want to tell you I love you (I love you), and
everything is gonna be okay someday soon.

I've been to just about a million places,
With placid seas and perfect scenery,
But just to know you're right here with me,
Well you make the perfect company.

Oh my God its true,
If time stood still I'd wait with you,
If time stood still and still it stood I'd be with
you.

I just want to tell you I love you (I love you), and
everything is gonna be okay someday soon.

Lovely love, we're almost in it.
We'll laugh and love in this world.

I just want to tell you I love you (I love you), and
everything is gonna be okay someday soon."

with you and him and them in the past i can't get myself to believe words that leap out of any guy's mouth
they're so empty
there's hardly a time where it shows.
and so i'll withdraw from you even then you guys don't even seem to notice or wonder.
all of you.

oh hypocrite.
you realized it before
and you said it was great
oh hypocrite.
you realized it again
and now you want to say NO MORE.
well then darling
clean up your act
start with your mind
don't do it because you have to
do it because you want to.
as far as i can see this is only something you have to do
given the choice you'd still be in the same rut for a long time
maybe not forever but long enough where you have disappointed me time and time again.
frankly i am sick of it but i can't just leave you in the rut.
it makes me sick that i have a soft spot for you
because it really seems like you don't give a shit.
but maybe now you'll finally see
finally get it together
i look forward to the day i can see you as you were before if not with a brighter radiance.
that's the day i keep in my mind as i stand beside you and worry about you.
in the end everything will be better.
as sick as you make me, as sad as you make me
i will stand beside you.
i love you not just till death, remember that.

the cure. there is no if lyrics

Remember the first time i told you i love you -
It was raining hard and you never heard -
You sneezed! and i had to say it over
"i said i love you" i said... you didn't say a word
Just held you hands to my shining eyes
And i watched as the rain ran through your fingers
Held your hands to my shining eyes and smiled as you kissed me...

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...
And it starts the day you make the sign
"tell me i'm forever yours and you're forever mine
Forever mine..."

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...
And it starts the day you cross that line
"swear i will always be yours and you'll always be mine
You'll ways be mine
Always be mine..."

Remember the last time i told you i love you -
It was warm and safe in our perfect world -
You yawned and i had to say it over
"i said i love you" i said... you didn't say a word
Just held your hands to your shining eyes
And i watched as the tears ran through your fingers
Held your hands to your shining eyes and cried...

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...
But it ends the day you see how it is
There is no always forever... just this...
Just this...

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said
But it ends the day you understand
There is no if... just and

There is no if... just and

There is no if...




it doesn't have to be a love story.
i wish to be someone important to you for the rest of your life
instead of just a girlfriend for a couple of months.

it's no use staying angry
it's no use being sad
it's not gonna change anything
so why make yourself miserable
things will happen when they happen
you can cry whine and sulk
nothing is gonna change the fact that it's not going as you wished it would.
so plaster on a smile and look for some light
not everything is dull and grey
there's always a tint of blue.
it'll happen when it happens
plus there's nothing really to fuss about
you're still here
he's still here
she's still here
we're all here
side by side
that's all i need.
to be someone important to you
if i'm someone that shines in your life
then i'm all g.
i'll spill tears now and then
ram my fist into walls
but not for long.
waste my energy
and i have no energy left to spare.

the more i think about it the more angry i become
this isn't lifting like how it normally should
i would've forgiven you by now more or less
but i'm still so bitter
i think it's because what you said really did hurt me
to the point where i'm still hurting
and i can't let it go.
it's frustrating because i still don't think you get it
all of you.
it's sad because i hate seeing this
but from now on i won't say anything or i'll try not to
what's the point
you're never gonna wake up and see it for yourselves
and really when it's like this i want to say
FUCK YOU.
but of course i can't say it
knowing you guys the response to that would be
why are you being a fucking bitch why are you flipping out on us
blah blah blah
shut the fuck up.
i'm bitter.
still as bitter as i was yesterday
how long will i stay this way?
should i try to just shove it away even when it's to vivid in my mind?
can i even do that?
the fact is i can't stop caring
but i can keep it in.
either way you don't want to hear it
so live in your dream cloud thinking it's a dream
but you'll see when you wake up the nightmare you were so caught up in.
if you can see it from my point of view it's a nightmare
what you look like
what you're doing but who knows maybe in your mind you'll be just fine
.

i won't care anymore
do what you like go on get fucked up everyday
"are you trying to control all of our lives" you say
it seems to me you don't understand that i care
i'm not trying to make you stop
did i fucking say stop getting fucked up
i asked for you to cut down
"but it's break" you say so what if it's break
you mean every time it's break you'll just get fucked up everyday
and when it's not you'll just do it two to three times a week
so what happens when summer break comes along
you'll get fucked up everyday for two months just because it's break
i'm trying to control all of you ahaha
that's what you think huh no it's not because i care about you
everything you said to me... wow
"it's not like we're getting fucked up with the wrong people"
that's the not fucking point
"but you're not understanding out reason"
so what is the reason? tell me.
"'cause we like to have fun. it's not the best thing but it's what we do"
that's your reason. ahaha don't make me laugh no kidding it's fun who doesn't want to have fun
"are you really trying to control all of out lives?"
did you really just say that to me? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?
"i know you care and that's all. but there's a certain point of caring.when you're trying to get us to stop 'cause it's 'bad' is crossing the line of caring
"cause we know it's bad already. the things we're doing aren't misused like the people that fuck up"
i know you care and that's all? no you don't know how much i care for you guys. that's all huh? so that's what i mean in your lives.
when you're trying to get us to stop 'cause it's bad is crossing the line of caring?
isn't that what caring is? that makes no fucking sense to me.
am i crossing the line? i never said to stop completely.
it's even worse because you know it's bad.
what am i to you people i care so much about hmm? what just someone that's there?
all of you say we'll be here for you bullshit
you let me down more than you know.
this one topped it all.
the more i think about it it's seems to be more true
some of the things you say i don't know if you think about it when you say it or you just really mean it in that way
but it hurts more than anything
probably more than if i had to endure every form of torture.
the way you act it's like i'm not anything
yeah the words you say it's like you're always gonna be around for me
you got my back
but when it comes down to actually showing me there's hardly anything.
so why should i care about you so much?
my energy my time... i worry about you so much
but all i get was "i know" "ok" and even"i promise" fuck that.
you don't get how much i care about you or worry about you.
and now it's implied that all i want to do is control you.
what am i to you? is that how you think of me?
do you know what that tells me? do you know how much that hurts me?
WHO THE FUCK AM I TO YOU? from what it seems like i'm someone that's just there like the paint on your walls.
all your trite phrases shove them up your ass because if that's all they are i don't even want to hear it.
yeah right you're worried about me? you care about me? you never show it so how am i supposed to believe it. all you do is talk and talk and talk.
sometimes i wonder...
i can't even say half the things i want to say because i don't want you to think badly of me but i guess in a way you already do so what's the point now?
fine i'll stop caring.
so go get fucked up.
deteriorate your body. why don't you speed it up faster now?
it seems like you don't care about what i have to say or even about yourself
so why should i?
you laugh about it then say don't get mad
you laugh about the fucked up things you're gonna do and say are you really gonna get mad about it?
you laugh at the fucked up things you say or even contemplate.
you're the biggest hypocrite i know but you don't care you laugh about it and say it's great.
you laugh about how disgusting you're becoming and see how far you can push it
so it's just be that's being the no fun person
the person that doesn't think this is funny anymore
you see don't you think i want to have fun? i do but i don't ever want to become like you.
i bet if i were to say the same words they say to you you'd just say something dismisal. but when they say it oh you BREAK THE FUCK DOWN. so that's what i mean to you.
anyone can yell and scream at you but if i do so you think of me as a bitch and say shut the hell up.
that's what i amount to.
you're the biggest let down the biggest wound to my heart.
even if i worry still and care why would it even matter.
"if that's how i really feel" no it isn't i wouldn't be able to stop caring for you or worrying about you but who cares all you care about is getting fucked up with the
right
or as long as you're not misusing it like the people that fucked up
one day won't you please elaborate on who these people that fucked up are.
so if i worry or care it won't leave my mind
i'll keep it in.
i WON'T care in your eyes and i DON'T care in your eyes.



i really can't believe that's what i am to you
i can't believe that's what you said to me.

there's so many things i want to say to you
but i'll just hold it in
just like i've been doing all this time
after all it's not like what i have to say matters much to you
after all it's not like what i do matters much to you.
i want to disappear off the face of the earth
be a hypocrite and sink away in the chemicals of anything and everything
i want my heart to slowly stop circulating blood through out my body so it becomes as cold as i feel
i want my brain to stop thinking and sending signals of hurt and betrayal through my body.
i don't want to talk to anyone
i don't want to be someone to anyone
i just want to fade out completely
because the harder i try to show i care the more it goes unnoticed
you'll live fine with or without me
you'll smile despite that i am there
forget it. burn it. destroy it.
lose touch with all of you. who the fuck cares anymore.
yeah yeah shut the fuck up.
i don't need anyone just like how no one NEEDS anyone to survive.
i don't need your stupid words that are supposed to be filled with meaning but really it's not. you can tell by the actions that never fucking match up to what you say you'll do.
so why would anyone need any of that?












shut up shut up shut up
i don't need any of your shit.








































































































please want me around...
i'm terrified of being alone...pathetic isn't it?

fuck you fuck you fuck you.
your words are filled with air.
your promises mean nothing and you speak trite sentences.
talk talk talk that's all you do.
i took you down from the pedestal long ago but in your mind you think you're still there.
just wait till you fall i won't be there to catch you.