this lingering question

why does age matter?
after all now days most people don't act their age
some older people are immature for their age
and some younger people are mature for their age
so what's the big deal about the number of years we lived?
is it the experiences? i doubt it.
there are people that went through so much as a child it's like they've lived the fullness of their lives already
and there are people that were so sheltered that they do not have a lot of life experiences.
so what's the big deal?
i used to think there's something wrong with age differences
especially huge gaps of time between friends and lovers
but now it's not too bad.
yes yes the law is set for a reason i agree
it's creepy when a 11 year old is going out with a 19 year old
but it's not so bad if it were a 17 year old and a 24 year old?
i don't know how this world is run.
nothing makes sense you see when you read this you're gonna be like "god that's fucking sick." but when it really comes down to it
age disappears. what's the difference between friendship and love?
why can 17 and 24 year olds be friends and not lovers?
it comes down to mentality doesn't it?
compatibility? maturity?
all of the above.
damn how does this world make sense when there are so much grey?

baby dont you see that you are falling and bruising
yet you still let yourself wander in danger's path
why are you on the road of self destruction?
is it because the thrill is so much more than anything you could possibly imagine or is it because all that you yearn for treats you like nothing more than a ghost?

victims and predators are all mixed up
trust falls out of place from the past and the people i do or did trust continues to fail me and so my trust ebbs away.
why dont you stand in my shoes and watch yourself, stand in my shoes and feel what i feel?
you bruised me you beat me up you trashed me
yet here i am still
i don't think anything can make me disappear
not matter how hard i try to self destruct no matter how many blows you throw at me
somehow those thoughts make me tear i have to continue living the way i do trying to fix bad habits so i can make myself believe i'm fixing myself up when i'm not
but you see no matter what i'll stand with perfect mirages for every situations

[mmm honey i can't believe you still don't see what drove us apart i understand someone more now for doing what he did. you're so blind and i realized you'll forsake all that is/was good for make believe stories. wake up i'm still waiting for you to get your act together. so will you get it together?]

good evening one and all,
winter has reared it's head and i must admit it has been quite ugly. everyone has been stressing out about finals, research papers, and college deadlines. my stress levels have been off the charts not a good time to "try" to quit smoking, which i have failed miserably. cold turkey is quite an impossible task to do after two years of filling my lungs with the chemicals my mind craves it even as my body rejects it. But hopeully with winter break swinging around i'll be able to go out more, stay out more. don't count on it though as the night sky falls much faster now and my parent's paranoia continues to grow. i can't wait one more semester then i'm breaking free from these chains. of course there's always ways to fly under the radar which i will do soon. it's been awhile since i've let chemicals besides ones in bud, cigarettes, alcohol and cold medicines into my body. i think i'll plan a day for it and get suuuupppper whooo. hey i deserve indulgence once in a while. i've been keeping clean for you don't you think i deserve a reward? hmm, i dislike this sneaking around to stay out i have to do it makes me nervous but i want my freedom once in awhile. this week and next week then i'm good i'll be fairly good until i grad. Then watch me progress through my life with out your opinions weighing me down. i bet i'll learn more about life's do's and don't's by myself faster i'll learn about life friends love well without your help. anyway the story of my life right now is second choice. how wonderful it sounds right? ahaha barely but i'm getting over it. come on now life is too short to be holding long grudges plus there're WAY more and better opportunities. yessuh! of course things get me down in fact some things get me way down so deep in the blue it's hard for anyone to pull me out. people go through phases like that, they drift in and out. right now i suppose i am pretty content besides the fact i'm missing TLK very much i haven't seen them in a while now and i honestly really really miss them. so i hope i will be able to see them soon with it being winter break and all. OH! i turned in college apps and it was turned in with a personal college essay. remember that college essay i wrote in junior year? i revised it and turned it in. i believe it's one of the best papers i've written one that can really tell what i cherish in my life. ahh, with all that done turned in and awaiting for reviewing i feel so relieved. two more finals, one of which is slam poetry with my english class, that one will be a breeze. hope all goes well in my math final, it's tomorrow first thing in the morning so wish me luck~.

BON CHANCE everyone on finals and what not <3~!

i must say god you're such an ass
when i'm trying to do something fucking nice for you
all you do is yell at me
and when i'm just not giving a fuck
you ask why can't you ever do something nice?

what the hell do you want me to do?
what the fuck is it that you're asking for?
i can't read your fucking mind...


you know at times like this
i turn to my friends and you ask why i can't talk to you or won't
because you don't seem to understand why i do the things i do
you don't seem to understand why you need to loosen up just a bit
i get that you want me safe i get it
but how am i ever gonna grow as my own person locked inside your walls?
when you chain me down with do's and don't's my wings will never be able to expand?
you want me to be successful then let me learn and grow on my own terms
rules and regulations are a must
but with everything there needs to be balance
please find that.

the sides:

anger irrational/words that are just filled with impluse and no thought/vent/sorry i'm not the person you see me as;
that's fucking great really.good.for.you.you should've never started to talk to me out of the blue. you know what i think R------. that's what it was. you clearly like to play with people don't you. you fucking knew what would happen you knew the possibility yet you said the words you shouldn't have said it shouldn't have even crossed your mind. you made it seem like you burried it all but the fact was it hasn't even touched the dirt. i wonder how you really feel? fuck you. \whatever. it's like whenever i'm angry i can never show it. all the words offend and i want to say them as soon as they hit my mind even though i really don't mean them so what it'll do damage to you. what's so great about them anyway why can't you yell like they do you know you got it in you to match their anger? they're not fucking gods. get mad scream at them tell them all to fuck off. fuck you fuck your shit don't fucking let them walk all over you they aren't mighty they're just pawns.i'm a pawn too but that's the point you're equal they're not greater or lesser than you. so scream at them when you're angry just do it.


pushover don't worry you're right it's ok; you also knew the possibility remember from the start you knew that things were moving much to quickly and it was odd the way things started. he really didn't want it to be like this just like the other. how is it that you believe the other and not him? the words he say are sincere plus you really can't be angry after all from this wasn't a stronger friendship born? if he didn't start talking to you would you have? no so don't spout out words you don't mean.
you're too afraid to say the words you don't mean because you don't mean it. plus you're a pawn too. you're equal to them.


reason the calm the mature; you know it's stupid to let something as little and childish as this come between a friendship. you have more control not to say words on impluse controlled by anger. you know you don't think when you say it so cool it hun it isn't the end of the world. you can maintain a friendship just as before it's probably better that way anyway.


sadness the hopeless romantic; i wonder how horrible i was in my past life to deserve that is happening now? is it just me so fucked up in the head? three times in a row. three stirkes. i'm done i'm done. three guys with past the lingers past that they won't let go of. past they return to. why do you start to fall for people like that shouldn't you know already that you'll be hurt in the end always. that's just the way it is. i must've been a evil person in the past. maybe it isn't even in a past life what if i'm repressing some horrible thing i did in this life? karma? i'm so broken down beat down tired. i want to sleep forever never wake up again.i'm sick of the hurt i'm sick of people dropping my heart like it's nothing. three stirkes you're out i'm done. come one ice princess you're waken from your slumber take over and freeze over.


relief; at least i have a solid answer now...


kindness; i'm glad you're happy though. so please don't worry about me. don't you dare frown because i'm hurt you should be smiling plus i'll be ok with time. so smile and don't worry i'm here as your friend nothing is gonna change that. i would never want to be with you if i knew being by my side would make you fall short of happiness. a few tears and i'll be good as new after all i'm just a teenaged girl it would be weird if i was totally ok with everything right? silly. i really couldn't get really angry at you over something like this and stay mad you know me wayyy better than that. i'm happy things worked out i knew you loved her a lot. love is amazing isn't it? make her happy and keep it that way.  i'll be A-OK so don't turn your head  ok? heehee.


stupidity controlled by anger; it's ok i didn't love you so it didn't hurt as much as it would've if i did love you. it did hurt though a lot more that i thought...


???; i don't even know anymore. words are nothing to me they lose their power the meaning. words are nothing. to walk the walk is where everything is and if you can only talk well then i don't give a shit about you. i being to hate words more and more. i begin to hate myself more and more. what's with all this hate? it's growing...negative engery is not good but i haave no power to convert it into positive engery. you were the last straw. the final weight to make me crumble. i was going through a bad time before the two before you and the stress of this and that and the monsters that came back once more to eat away at me. finally i crumbled. lifeless.
i want to put my self in danger's path. do things without thinking. see people that i've avoided just because i don't care anymore. there's no way i can be any more damaged than i already am. i want to speed and collide with danger. so that's what i'll do. health fuck it. physical let's get cut and bruised. let's brake some bones. let's bash my head in. i'm down. i don't care. i'm corrupted anyway. just lay me down to sleep or numb me with a heavy dose of chemicals.

i do a good job putting on a smile.
i do a good job making people believe that smile is real
i do a half assed job making me believe that smile is real but sometimes i can trick myself.

funny ain't it?
my sillyness hardly ever fails me when i need it just like my smile
i just take it out of a bag and put it on
and i'm ready to go so i won't be over flooded with question that only annoy me.
but this trickery is only taken out when i've hit a certain low.


good job ivy!
*clapclapclapclapclap*

ba-bump......ba-bump......ba-bump......
eyes close body relaxes breathing evens out
this is the state i want to remain it
the state of rest the state of peace
REM or NREM i don't care.
i'm jumbled up i need to figure out
do i hate myself for putting myself into those situations
or do i dislike them for bringing me into those situations?
i can never put the blame on them but i want to point fingers.
there's too many these and those i need factor in
there's too many actions and words i need to add
there's too many dots i need to connect
and there's too many thoughts that might not even be facts that i need to consider
to sleep everything off would be a cowardly way out
to fall asleep and never wake up or to hibernate for a 100 no 1000 years
will it change anything?
probably not i'll still have conflicts with myself and the new friends i make when i wake.
so what's a solution to fix everything to make it the way it was?
what's the bold way to figure this out?
i need more doors that lead out rather than ones that take me in circles.
at this point i want to push people away but i really might need their help
i want to be alone but at the same time i want comfort
yet who are the people that will really help me
who are those people i call friends? why? new factors...new problem
i need to figure things out fast because i'm done fighting against the deep blue and i'm letting myself fall into it because i'm so tired of fighting it.
deep blue.
like water i'll sink down down down down
maybe the bottom will be pitch black with strange monsters scarier than the ones above
or maybe i'll find burried treasure.

you would think you would get used to things that happen more than once
wrong. that's a bunch of bull shit in some cases.
you think it's something you can just get over because it happened before
it should be easier but that goes to show how much you know
you think you can handle it? go ahead and try
maybe you can better than i can
you see though you can't say i know how you're feeling or things like that
because you don't know
why you have never walked in my footsteps ever
no experience was the same as mine similar yes but not the same
if you say you can grasp the feeling somewhat that would be more understandable
people sometimes do not get it
they don't understand
and they do not adjust as well as they want to believe.



















whatever.
i don't care. systems shut down.
done.

don't speak like you know
don't lecture like you've been down my road
don't talk like you've been in my head
don't tell me what to do
i am capable of thinking for myself
and in my mind your will is second to my command.
consideration is taking in of course
but it is i who will make the choice
my word is final
what i think what i do it's my choice my say.
so don't try to mold me in your demanding hands.

so just back the fuck down and leave me be.

i'm going through one of those again
mood swings:i'm solid one second and the next i crumble
anger rages through me for no reason
i over think and sadness puts me down into the blue
over thinking is my main problem
i really an unstable
it's hard not to be someone you miss
it's hard not to revert back to the ways where you laughed
though the reasons you laughed were because of the chemicals you mixed into your blood.
i want to feel like that again
i want to look the way i did
i want my stomach to stop crying out for food whenever i'm sad or angry or bored.
i want my whole to be absorbed in that tall green bottle
or i want to sink into the powders of blue purple yellow orange green red white
i want to detach myself like before
all worries sank away
now i'm overflooded with them and i want the easy way out
no not suicide but rather a slower version i suppose
to drown in intoxications
intoxications make me not give a damn and frankly i really need to stop caring about everything
i'll over work every movement you make every word that goes unsaid every word that you do say everything you do
it'll be under my supervision and i will make scenarios in my head
over work over think everything
is this self destruction?
self destruct i wish i had a button for that because right now i really need it
i'm craving all that i did i want it back
a big OD and i don't care i wouldn't care


why the fuck should i fucking care?
do you realize that you're in that fucking mess again?
why is it that no one gets that all i need is security and no one will fucking give it to me?
fuck you fuck you fuck you
go burn in hell you'll never give me what i need
you'll always come up short because you need people tell you what to do
you can't figure out for your fucking self what others need.
blah blah blah sweet words sweet words pour it into my ears
i don't need that shit if you're gonna pour those words in why won't you show it too?
why don't you tell me what's on your mind really? or do i have to dig it out of you? it's like you have such a hard time but really do you?
here's the pattern i see when i know some shitty thing is gonna happen
contenment happiness honeymoon and then for no reason things warp and the honeymoon suddenly shuts off and now i'm left to show you that i still care and i don't think you think twice about it.
thats when it all starts to go down it's really stupid but maybe it's me?

maybe it is me that's causing all this hurt for myself
is it because i'm filled with green easily?
maybe it's my want for control that makes everything spin out of control
just like my head is doing now spinning spinning
it's my fault?

fuck no it's theirs

but why is it theirs and not yours?

how the fuck would i know?

so it is yours...

that's always how things end up like i'm not supposed to show anger around them or sadness
because with anger they'll think i'm a bitch and leave me in the dust
and with sadness they'll get annoyed that i'm being such a brat and they'll leave me in the dust...

what the fuck? why can't i show my disappointment when they can clearly show theirs? unfair.

but what if i really can show them and it won't be how it's played out in my head...

somehow i doubt it?

well then shouldn't you say FUCK YOU and leave them in your dust?

i really can't do that. this force holds me to them. love is that what it's called? the reason i care so much when i feel i shouldn't.

do you really need people like them in your life though? they don't show you they care even half as much as you do...

so?

so?!? what the fuck do you think you're saying stop selling yourself short.

is that what i'm doing? because i feel like i'm lucky enough to have people like them...sometimes they manage to take me away from the blue and put me into the white...



some people think i'm so composed whatever if they only knew what chew me up at night or what makes me tick.
the fact is there's hardly anyone that knows me even in the slightest bit.
well if you can barely scratch the surface well then i'll just simply flick you off pow and off you go sailing through the air
i realized yeah there isn't really anyone who really knows me how sad? how long have i known these people for?
how well do i know them? do i even care to stop and see how your face distorts when you're in pain or they way you go silent when monsters drag you into the blue? can i tell when you're lying by your actions or eye movement?
what is wrong with me?
i'm malfunctioning or was i defect to begin with?

do all people go to mood swings as severe as i or is it just me?
i hate the time i have to think. my mind works against me.

"If I fell in love with you would you promise to be true,
And help me understand?
'Cause I've been in love before, and I found that love was more,
Than just holding hands.
If I give my heart to you,
I must be sure from the very start,
That you would love me more than her.
If I trust in you, oh please,
Don't run and hide,
If I love you too, oh please don't hurt my pride like her.
'Cause I couldn't stand the pain,
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain.
So I hope you see,
That I would love to love you
If I fell in love with you."
-If i fell.[the beatles]
across the universe version


i feel as if i'm walking on egg shells again
i ask attraction why i'm attracted to those how carry flames for the past
but i think it's my fault for being attracted to them
i wish i could stop myself but i can't
i've walked beside two that traveled the same path
and it looks like i'm going to walk again for the third time
three is supposed to be the charm right?
i hope so because slowly my thoughts just turn to him
i am letting myself fall once more
but i think this will be the last time i'll so freely let myself fall
three is also a strike out
then i'm done.
i'll close my heart up and throw it far away from me as i possibly can.
but for now i need to get the security i've always wanted.
how foolish was i to let logic get the best of me when emotions are so illogical.

good evening one and all.
when you're feeling a bit down or stuck never fear the feeling won't last. here is my helping hand and listening ear right here. when tears fall or when you let your fist talk don't fret it's only a surge of emotion erupting. here's a handkerchief to wipe away the tears or the blood and a pair of arms to hold you right here. you see you're never alone for i will be right here. so if you need a someone to help you keep your head up you know where to find me, hmm in fact you won't even need to try to find me i will be right there when i can feel that you're down. can i ask though will you sprout wings from your back and pick me up when i'm in need of you? can you be the angel whose voice can make my problems disappear? those wings will take me above the blue i won't need silly substances to take me there anymore all i would need is you and in return i shall also take you there high above the clouds past the blue. i'll show you the universe and all the gleaming stars. so here i am where are you? i'm waiting dear. you me him her them she he i let's take a trip not just to the moon but every fucking planet and beyond. shed a light on this i've always wondered how this friendship thing really worked i mean it's amazing how humans interact isn't it? so what makes he who is your friend different from him that you talk to everyday in math? connection? attraction? similarity? how is it that some you treat like family and others are just people you hung out with in high school? do you see what i'm trying to say here? what makes them so different? how is it that you are so close sometimes to people you don't really talk to that much anymore? was it the history? LOVE. that's supposed to be in there somewhere right? blood related not blood related friends husband and wife boyfriend and girlfriend whatever. love is so strange undefined vast unfair kind and what not.
this strange feeling though i know i feel it for my friends i can feel it strongly i can't figure out why but they're special. they're my cup full of sunrays and i love them. yes yes LOVE them. one day i'll figure it out or someone can open my eyes on this. you know it's possible there is no answer other than that love is love. done. enough said. you never know.

imagine standing in a meadow
and there are two lights heading toward you from opposite directions
one is a light blue and the other is a soft pink
they twist and turn as they zoom toward you
you are captivated by their beauty
it's like art drawing itself
you do not know if they'll speed right through you or if they'll exploded as they collide or even if they'll blend together
will you stand there awaiting for what's to come or will you think about if you should step out of the way?
people are always presented with two choices.
one choice is usually logic and rational
the second choice is usually irrational
the mind and heart seem to be at a constant battle with each other
my mind is fighting my heart right now
they seem to be fighting more constantly now
i wish they would stop...i'm becoming more and more careless.
i fall i stumble i run into things i drop things i loose things i slip
i'm bruised i'm cut i'm tired i'm achy
this war within me needs to stop or maybe i can just stare at those lights to help me forget where i am.

hello, grey clouds that hang above our heads
you start storming as we lay thinking in our beds
i wish to sweep you away
and then keep you at bay
for you cause tears to fall
from the eyes of the ones i love most of all
if i had the power to make you back up
and tremble everytime i said whaddup
i would do so in a heartbeat
but you, storm cloud is not someone that would just sit in your seat
but i'll keep trying
'cause i'm yet to be crying.



so back the fuck off mr.grey
i'm here to blow you away

there once was a girl whose life was so content
but then there was someone that came along trying to win her consent
at first it seemed like cupid shot arrows from above
but then her world was shaken by this new love
she was just a girl and he was just a boy
they thought they were each others joy
you would think this fairytale would have a happy ending
nope this isn't the ending of the whole fairytale but just a chapter ending
so many girls and boys find someone they would like to be their happily ever after
the truth is most times they're just a section of tears and laughter
so the story rolls along
the boy and girl hug and part with a simple so long
of course it's not GOODBYE forever
for they are much to clever
their friendship will grow
as they look for new love to make them glow
this is only the begining of the whole story
wow oh wow there are so much more chapters with the same love glory
when he finds his one and when she finds her one
the fairytale will then be done





we'll follow through with this
until the happily ever after kiss

i'm still up so much for sleep
why can't i sleep when i'm so tired
when all i desperately want to do is close my eyes and drift off to wonderland
my eyes stay open as if someone glued my eyelids to my brow bone
i need to be up early there's never a day where i can sleep in or nap
so why can't i force myself to close my eyes and rest
i am sleep deprived
yet i'm still up thinking completing meaningless task about my room.
boo. ZZZzz...
i suppose 24 hours is not enough for a day.

one two three
cuts bruises blemishes
fatigue headaches bodyaches
i wish this and i wish that
i want i want i want
i think it's time for me to take care of myself now
exercise regularly
eat right
shop for clothes and such not drugs or stoges or alcohol all the time
try to get sufficient amount of sleep
then will i feel a bit better about myself?
i hope so
i hope that dressing myself up like a doll
and looking like a doll will help me feel better about myself
i'm tired of being tired and not caring about myself
i wanna do something for me.

plans change
different songs play
and my mind turns

it's time for a chat

so i'm working on your CD and as i look through all the possible songs i can put on there
a lot of them i have to think twice about
i don't know the songs you like i don't know the type of songs you like really even if you told me
i really don't know anything about you
a lot of the songs are sad a lot of them are about love
but you see i'm not in love with you i'm in like right now
i'm glad i met you i'm glad i am your friend but i think that maybe it's better if i stayed a friend after all you have someone that loves you so much plus i can see you care and love her as much as she does
who am i to step in between that?
this CD will be a CD filled with the phases of a relationship
everyone can relate to it
phase:
-one: you meet someone that can make you smile they make your heart race
-two: you're falling deeper into their eyes and their heart
-three: love it's sweet everything fades away and you're just wrapped up in warmth
-four: problems arise. you yell and scream you say things you don't mean
-five: sorry sorry sorry. forgive? forget?
-six: even when things end you're still neck deep in love it hurts
-seven: you can't forget you remember the days filled with happiness
-eight: you're finally ready to move on

i've thought this CD when you receive it you would think about her as you listen to the songs
but i think i wouldn't mind so much
after all i see the CDs she's made you lying around
it's an obvious sign that you aren't ready to move on
and it's not my thing to want the things an ex has done
or do things i did with an ex with someone new
to me it means you're still hanging on.
that's fine really you are a good friend and i'm thankful

so when this CD is made and given
after we have a talk to sort all this out
i think then we can come up with a conclusion if we walk the path as friends or something more.
i realized when we first got into this i took everyone's consideration into this and i worried
and you told me it wasn't about anyone else it was about my happiness
but my happiness comes from the people that surround me
i can be happy if they are so no worries
when i'm sad i can lean on those who can pick me up
don't know you happiness rubs off
we'll try our best to keep that smile for those who need it eh?

i woke up crying because of a dream.
In that dream i felt warmth. I miss the warmth you provided and the security i felt when i was with you. You made me feel that i was one and only though i wasn't.i won't deny i that i do miss those days but past is past you are the day late friend, the knots to my string for you see when i see him i smile.yet at the same time i wish i could feel the warmth as you did but i can't sometimes because he's too stuck on her. I won't share a person. I don't want someone with feelings for another in the end it fucks me over because i'm always second place.
In my dream you were hurt so i went to aid you as i always do with concern. And we started to talk as we wait for this dumbass person who was trying to get my attention(funny i actually know the guy and like the dream he bugs the shit out of me.) looked for antiseptic. I finally dismissed that person with a " you know i didn't ask for antiseptic so i could talk to you someone is actually hurt and i would rather take care of them than chatting it up with you"as i administered to your wound everything melted away. And you talked to me of your gf now but you asked if i was over you without waiting for my answer you said you must be because of something i was listening to. You put your arm around me as a friend would do and we laughed and chatted but the whole time i felt your warmth once more.
As the dream ended that warmth disappeared and i don't know how it feels anymore. I can't summon the feeling of the dream.it felt so real the second before i woke up and i felt the weight of your arm a second after i woke up but it disappeared a second after. It faded and even if i can still recall the dream. Out of my grasp just like you and him.
I woke up with tears streaming. I guess i want to find the security and that same feeling with him but it's impossible when he cares too much for her, When i feel he's just to hooked in what he left. So i'll cry once more, again, as i've done countless times as adolescents do when they feel that their hearts are breaking and everything feels so wrong/unfair.

is it so hard to give me security?
apparently for everyone it is.
apparently i'm running a race i'll always come second place to.
forgive me and my negative attitude but i'm just about to burn out.
i don't want to like people who are so stuck on their past anymore
i suppose it's my fault for being the stupid one to keep liking those like that.





[Mr.YBG you were right i'm sick of like i'm sick of love it hurts it stinks it's nasty.]

i begin to dislike those cat eyes at follow you around
i begin to dislike those cat eyes you are mesmerized by

i am ever so observant or i stumble and see things you wished to keep hidden
i honestly wish i never seen it but at the same time i'm glad i won't be oblivious to what's in front of me.
i seem to over analyze i seem to over think
but either way it makes me uncomfortable because i can see the resemblance
it sends shivers through my spine
and each insecurity that grows i stumble.
one two three there is no security where is it? it always seems to be missing.
how does it slip past my fingers? perhaps because there's a lit cigarette between them trying to keep me sane.

i sit and i watch the way you act, the way you talk, the way you move
just observing the things that make you, you
just as those cat eyes do.

you ask for things just as...nevermind
maybe to create new memories maybe you haven't stepped away
for me it's never the same
there is no same song i will share with you
there is no same anything almost.
i don't know why it just never been like that
maybe so i won't be reminded
maybe because you are different as everyone is.

as i sit and watch you
i get mixed up i know a few things for sure and the rest are just assumptions
you tried to run, you tried to hide, you tried everything
and now i think you've realized that there is no hiding, there is to running from it
but you got yourself in a pickle
you are wavering in and out of the lines as your vision blurs the blacks and whites turn muddy
grey like the smoke that rise up from my mouth.
so did you have a speech planned out or a blue print of your most valued organs
these assumptions must be turned to lies or truths.

those cat eyes gleam and i understand why you are so mesmerized
but really if this is all some childish game i'm not down
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


you better be prepared to swim oceans
because i'm not convinced.
i'll push you just to see if you'll give up
convince me that's all you have to do.
you think you know me? try again
everyone has an opposite side
wanna see mine?

won't you please tell me what i mean to you?
all i want is the honest truth
i don't need your sweet words filled with nothing but air
even though that's what i want to hear but if it's not true
it hurts more
i want sweet words filled with soul

-you said before that you would like them to try as hard as you
you said before that you put your all in to caring for them and all you want was the same affection shown back.
you said that you wanted them to put in effort just as you have.

that's what i want too. do you realize that even though you asked for them to care you failed to notice that i put in more effort then you did to care for ALL of you. exactly as you've said i want the effort i put in returned. honestly if you think real hard you know that i don't get all of that back in fact you know that you don't treat me as well as you make yourself believe. are you shaking your head? hmm well then here's something to get you nodding: if i don't make myself known to you with a hello you don't bother to say anything. I HAVE TO BE THE FUCKING FIRST ONE TO SAY ANYTHING TO YOU, TO HANG OUT, JUST TO TALK, TO MAKE FUCKING PLANS if i don't you won't even include me in it. so why do i need people like you as friends, people who treat me like the paint on your walls?

-you said before that i'd never loose you ever.
you said that i could talk to you about anything and everything
you said that you weren't ready for commitment
you said so many promised that are left broken now because you won't even bother to give me the time of day.

my promised with you still stands as strong as i made them. i don't need a smooth talker i need someone that can give me the security that you failed to give me. yes this might seem selfish but that's how humans are greedy for their well being. the thing is i think i at least deserve promises that are kept. i think i deserve the straight up truth yeah it'll hurt but when you just tell me honey filled words i'll be more hurt in the end and my pride would be bashed. i don't need it anymore i'll shut down my heart and close my ears. i don't need people like you to fall for. i want stability, security, honesty.

i realized in the past and i guess the present that i've fallen for the ones that hold baggage. the ones they can't let go. him and him and you. the baggage i have are made from the ones that were holding on to baggage before. at least i have slowly shaken it off bit by bit. you hold on tight never letting go. i suppose it's my fault for falling for people like that three times in a row. i know i have baggage but you see if you and i both have things we are holding on to how heavy would it be to carry. we'll be crushed under the weight of it all. so what do i do now? he has fallen and so has he and you are falling away.

prove me wrong that this group of friends is something i need in my life because right now i can't believe it is, it's something i want. prove me wrong that it's not as i make it seem. i'm not game over i'm just stepping out on the sidelines for a bit to see if you actually care. don't mad at me for not believing anymore but can you really blame me when you hardly ever show that i matter?

tired of being treated this way
tired of always having to be the first to say anything
tired of all this baggage
tired of being let down
tired of being hurt
tired of this timing
tired of crying tears for and over people that don't give a shit
tired of worrying just for people to say that i'm a bitch
tired of you
tired of them
tired of this cycle
tired of it all

please won't you let me slip in the earth?

i've been counting days
and guess what you failed.
and previously they failed too
so you all failed.
boo it just means i don't need to put in my energy anymore?
why should i be the one that always does this and that first?
fuck that.
don't worry though this isn't the only test given
i believe in second chances
give you a chance to redeem yourself
but that's only if you can see that the test has been set and started.
strike one, you struck out
strike two? can you see the fast ball coming?
strike three? will there even be one?
it's all on you.

i realized that for every moment in your life or a feeling
there is a song that captures so beautifully, so perfectly what you are feeling
i find that amazing
that means there is someone in this world that has gone through something similar
so you're not alone.
music speaks truths to everyone and anyone.

for them:
"I wish you would step back
From that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand, I would understand
The angry boy a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know something's wrong
Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say put the past away
I wish you would step back
From that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand, I would understand
Well he's on the table and he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You could put the past away
I wish you would step back from
That ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand, I would understand
I would understand, I would understand
I would understand, I would understand
Can you put the past away"

rereading the previous posts i've come to miss several things
my fondest memories are written down as well as the the times where i felt like just giving up on life
april that was the start when i first started writing about you
as i read i realized you're still a lingering presence
i miss those days more than anything
i know those days i was beyond content i was truly happy
i was comfortable with who i was because of you
i don't want to be reliant on you for my happiness
but i think with you, that's the time i can be the most like myself
no mask nothing
i can lay it all out just purely me
i'm not content with myself
i feel so disgusting
your words could always soothe me even though i don't think you put your heart into them
i always get tricked by your words but still it lights me up
i really miss those days
promises of seeing each other
promises of being able to rely on each other for anything and everything
promises of loving forever
my promises still stand but i don't think yours do
you are like a leaf blowing in the wind
it's so hard to catch you again
i simply graze your side
do you see everything is different now
i hardly see you we hardly talk
the distance is growing.
but if i could say something to you now this song says it all:

"I've been to just about a million places,
Sunny skies everywhere and in between,
But just to know I'm right here with you,
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Oh my God you're such a beautiful ----,
With such a wonderful way in such a beautiful place,
The sun is shining and it warms my face,
What a wonderful day I just hope it can stay.

I just want to tell you I love you (I love you), and
everything is gonna be okay someday soon.

I've been to just about a million places,
With placid seas and perfect scenery,
But just to know you're right here with me,
Well you make the perfect company.

Oh my God its true,
If time stood still I'd wait with you,
If time stood still and still it stood I'd be with
you.

I just want to tell you I love you (I love you), and
everything is gonna be okay someday soon.

Lovely love, we're almost in it.
We'll laugh and love in this world.

I just want to tell you I love you (I love you), and
everything is gonna be okay someday soon."

with you and him and them in the past i can't get myself to believe words that leap out of any guy's mouth
they're so empty
there's hardly a time where it shows.
and so i'll withdraw from you even then you guys don't even seem to notice or wonder.
all of you.

oh hypocrite.
you realized it before
and you said it was great
oh hypocrite.
you realized it again
and now you want to say NO MORE.
well then darling
clean up your act
start with your mind
don't do it because you have to
do it because you want to.
as far as i can see this is only something you have to do
given the choice you'd still be in the same rut for a long time
maybe not forever but long enough where you have disappointed me time and time again.
frankly i am sick of it but i can't just leave you in the rut.
it makes me sick that i have a soft spot for you
because it really seems like you don't give a shit.
but maybe now you'll finally see
finally get it together
i look forward to the day i can see you as you were before if not with a brighter radiance.
that's the day i keep in my mind as i stand beside you and worry about you.
in the end everything will be better.
as sick as you make me, as sad as you make me
i will stand beside you.
i love you not just till death, remember that.

the cure. there is no if lyrics

Remember the first time i told you i love you -
It was raining hard and you never heard -
You sneezed! and i had to say it over
"i said i love you" i said... you didn't say a word
Just held you hands to my shining eyes
And i watched as the rain ran through your fingers
Held your hands to my shining eyes and smiled as you kissed me...

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...
And it starts the day you make the sign
"tell me i'm forever yours and you're forever mine
Forever mine..."

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...
And it starts the day you cross that line
"swear i will always be yours and you'll always be mine
You'll ways be mine
Always be mine..."

Remember the last time i told you i love you -
It was warm and safe in our perfect world -
You yawned and i had to say it over
"i said i love you" i said... you didn't say a word
Just held your hands to your shining eyes
And i watched as the tears ran through your fingers
Held your hands to your shining eyes and cried...

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...
But it ends the day you see how it is
There is no always forever... just this...
Just this...

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said
But it ends the day you understand
There is no if... just and

There is no if... just and

There is no if...




it doesn't have to be a love story.
i wish to be someone important to you for the rest of your life
instead of just a girlfriend for a couple of months.

it's no use staying angry
it's no use being sad
it's not gonna change anything
so why make yourself miserable
things will happen when they happen
you can cry whine and sulk
nothing is gonna change the fact that it's not going as you wished it would.
so plaster on a smile and look for some light
not everything is dull and grey
there's always a tint of blue.
it'll happen when it happens
plus there's nothing really to fuss about
you're still here
he's still here
she's still here
we're all here
side by side
that's all i need.
to be someone important to you
if i'm someone that shines in your life
then i'm all g.
i'll spill tears now and then
ram my fist into walls
but not for long.
waste my energy
and i have no energy left to spare.

the more i think about it the more angry i become
this isn't lifting like how it normally should
i would've forgiven you by now more or less
but i'm still so bitter
i think it's because what you said really did hurt me
to the point where i'm still hurting
and i can't let it go.
it's frustrating because i still don't think you get it
all of you.
it's sad because i hate seeing this
but from now on i won't say anything or i'll try not to
what's the point
you're never gonna wake up and see it for yourselves
and really when it's like this i want to say
FUCK YOU.
but of course i can't say it
knowing you guys the response to that would be
why are you being a fucking bitch why are you flipping out on us
blah blah blah
shut the fuck up.
i'm bitter.
still as bitter as i was yesterday
how long will i stay this way?
should i try to just shove it away even when it's to vivid in my mind?
can i even do that?
the fact is i can't stop caring
but i can keep it in.
either way you don't want to hear it
so live in your dream cloud thinking it's a dream
but you'll see when you wake up the nightmare you were so caught up in.
if you can see it from my point of view it's a nightmare
what you look like
what you're doing but who knows maybe in your mind you'll be just fine
.

i won't care anymore
do what you like go on get fucked up everyday
"are you trying to control all of our lives" you say
it seems to me you don't understand that i care
i'm not trying to make you stop
did i fucking say stop getting fucked up
i asked for you to cut down
"but it's break" you say so what if it's break
you mean every time it's break you'll just get fucked up everyday
and when it's not you'll just do it two to three times a week
so what happens when summer break comes along
you'll get fucked up everyday for two months just because it's break
i'm trying to control all of you ahaha
that's what you think huh no it's not because i care about you
everything you said to me... wow
"it's not like we're getting fucked up with the wrong people"
that's the not fucking point
"but you're not understanding out reason"
so what is the reason? tell me.
"'cause we like to have fun. it's not the best thing but it's what we do"
that's your reason. ahaha don't make me laugh no kidding it's fun who doesn't want to have fun
"are you really trying to control all of out lives?"
did you really just say that to me? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?
"i know you care and that's all. but there's a certain point of caring.when you're trying to get us to stop 'cause it's 'bad' is crossing the line of caring
"cause we know it's bad already. the things we're doing aren't misused like the people that fuck up"
i know you care and that's all? no you don't know how much i care for you guys. that's all huh? so that's what i mean in your lives.
when you're trying to get us to stop 'cause it's bad is crossing the line of caring?
isn't that what caring is? that makes no fucking sense to me.
am i crossing the line? i never said to stop completely.
it's even worse because you know it's bad.
what am i to you people i care so much about hmm? what just someone that's there?
all of you say we'll be here for you bullshit
you let me down more than you know.
this one topped it all.
the more i think about it it's seems to be more true
some of the things you say i don't know if you think about it when you say it or you just really mean it in that way
but it hurts more than anything
probably more than if i had to endure every form of torture.
the way you act it's like i'm not anything
yeah the words you say it's like you're always gonna be around for me
you got my back
but when it comes down to actually showing me there's hardly anything.
so why should i care about you so much?
my energy my time... i worry about you so much
but all i get was "i know" "ok" and even"i promise" fuck that.
you don't get how much i care about you or worry about you.
and now it's implied that all i want to do is control you.
what am i to you? is that how you think of me?
do you know what that tells me? do you know how much that hurts me?
WHO THE FUCK AM I TO YOU? from what it seems like i'm someone that's just there like the paint on your walls.
all your trite phrases shove them up your ass because if that's all they are i don't even want to hear it.
yeah right you're worried about me? you care about me? you never show it so how am i supposed to believe it. all you do is talk and talk and talk.
sometimes i wonder...
i can't even say half the things i want to say because i don't want you to think badly of me but i guess in a way you already do so what's the point now?
fine i'll stop caring.
so go get fucked up.
deteriorate your body. why don't you speed it up faster now?
it seems like you don't care about what i have to say or even about yourself
so why should i?
you laugh about it then say don't get mad
you laugh about the fucked up things you're gonna do and say are you really gonna get mad about it?
you laugh at the fucked up things you say or even contemplate.
you're the biggest hypocrite i know but you don't care you laugh about it and say it's great.
you laugh about how disgusting you're becoming and see how far you can push it
so it's just be that's being the no fun person
the person that doesn't think this is funny anymore
you see don't you think i want to have fun? i do but i don't ever want to become like you.
i bet if i were to say the same words they say to you you'd just say something dismisal. but when they say it oh you BREAK THE FUCK DOWN. so that's what i mean to you.
anyone can yell and scream at you but if i do so you think of me as a bitch and say shut the hell up.
that's what i amount to.
you're the biggest let down the biggest wound to my heart.
even if i worry still and care why would it even matter.
"if that's how i really feel" no it isn't i wouldn't be able to stop caring for you or worrying about you but who cares all you care about is getting fucked up with the
right
or as long as you're not misusing it like the people that fucked up
one day won't you please elaborate on who these people that fucked up are.
so if i worry or care it won't leave my mind
i'll keep it in.
i WON'T care in your eyes and i DON'T care in your eyes.



i really can't believe that's what i am to you
i can't believe that's what you said to me.

there's so many things i want to say to you
but i'll just hold it in
just like i've been doing all this time
after all it's not like what i have to say matters much to you
after all it's not like what i do matters much to you.
i want to disappear off the face of the earth
be a hypocrite and sink away in the chemicals of anything and everything
i want my heart to slowly stop circulating blood through out my body so it becomes as cold as i feel
i want my brain to stop thinking and sending signals of hurt and betrayal through my body.
i don't want to talk to anyone
i don't want to be someone to anyone
i just want to fade out completely
because the harder i try to show i care the more it goes unnoticed
you'll live fine with or without me
you'll smile despite that i am there
forget it. burn it. destroy it.
lose touch with all of you. who the fuck cares anymore.
yeah yeah shut the fuck up.
i don't need anyone just like how no one NEEDS anyone to survive.
i don't need your stupid words that are supposed to be filled with meaning but really it's not. you can tell by the actions that never fucking match up to what you say you'll do.
so why would anyone need any of that?












shut up shut up shut up
i don't need any of your shit.








































































































please want me around...
i'm terrified of being alone...pathetic isn't it?

fuck you fuck you fuck you.
your words are filled with air.
your promises mean nothing and you speak trite sentences.
talk talk talk that's all you do.
i took you down from the pedestal long ago but in your mind you think you're still there.
just wait till you fall i won't be there to catch you.

i am not strong enough to let you go
but i am not weak enough to just find another
i am not mean enough to become ice cold to you and harden my heart
but i am not nice enough to wish you the best without me
i am not pesimistic enough to think that i am nothing to you
but i am not optimistic enough to think that everything will be okay in the end.
so what am i?

a kid about to get his toy taken away

day after day i waited to see your smile on your face. day after day i waited for you to tell me that you loved me day after day i waited and waited for you to return to me. that day seemed so unreachable. these days i seem to miss you even if i was right beside you. the smile i wished to see has disappeared and tears ran down my face. the words that i wished to hear never left your mouth and my heart fell to the floor. i miss you. i never heard the i miss you too. yet i would still say in my heart i miss you hoping to hear you say the same. what is the difference now? why do you show me attention now? you have put me in such a sorrowful situation. my heart rips into two. love you. then a new happiness. i want to see you smile make you smile but i would like to make him smile too. my heart like my mind is in turmoil now. i'll probably make a cowardly decision and possibly just run away from it all. breaking heart.

as far as i can see

all your words don't mean shit
and like your words i don't mean shit to you
don't tell me that's not true because it's all laid out
right here in the open so please stop
it's really just better if you shot me
i am at my wits end with you
you drain life out of me you drain everything out of me
and i have become a lifeless doll.
i love you i hate you
because of you i am dead.
all the words you said never matched up with action empty words
i hate them
i hate how you're becoming
all you want to do is get fucked up
that's like you giving up taking the easy way out
i never knew you were so weak so selfish so childish
do what you like .
you put too much strain on me.

pathetic

FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK YOU. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS . FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS.



no one but you can make me feel this shitty but no one but you can make me feel so happy.
i wish i could really say fuck you/fuck this and put all of my heart into it
but i really can't and it sucks.
i think though i would never blame you
all i can say is i hate myself.

enduring every second

how many days has it been? how many weeks? how many seconds or minutes or hours? the walls seem to be closing in and the distance between two people expanding well that's what it feels like. i've said countless times i'm tired i'm worn i'm done but it's not that easy to be done with it to just cut that string. things around me seem to be crashing down. is it a sign that i'm about to crash too? i'm not content with my outer image or my ugly insides. i wish some part of me was beautiful and radiant but the truth is i'm blinded and if there was a beautiful spot on me i can't see it or find it. i think i felt most confident about myself the time before all this poison covered everything. now everything is melting away with the pure acidity of it. it's like a sweet dream that turned into a horrible nightmare. yet in this horrible nightmare i feel the need and the want to wipe everyone's storming cloud away even if it means that my storm cloud is ever growing engulfing me. i have finally begin to not care about myself even if i feel like shit as a result. the thing is though i feel a bit indestructable which kinda drives me insane. i read stories about people that just get so low that they can't eat or sleep or function but the thing is with my my health is ever sturdy i sleep more now i eat like a starving african kid that's just been given a ticket to the buffet and i can jump run scream. a part of me wants to see some physical damage so i know it's finally ending but i'm quite the opposite my life moves on in a cycle and i go through the motions as a friend, daughter student. there are two sides to every coin though even if i were physically damaged i don't want the attention i don't need people hovering over me constantly. i just want enough love and care not too much and not too little. perfect balance is hard to achieve in this life when things are so blown out of proportion and things are so insanely ridiculous. there's either too much sadness or too much happiness. WHAT? too much happiness? i don't understand why too much happiness is something to push away. the world has tilted off it's axis. my heart breaks as i see through your facade of smiles, i want to ask you don't you want to just cry because if you do i'll be there for you with a hankerchief in one hand and a box of chocolates in another. that is the reason why people think i'm so caring? i suppose in a way i am to my friends of course i have to be i need to be it is me. my friends and family are the people that keep me from fully stepping on to the endless emotionless cycle that it's almost at. they are the ones who,when i'm not giving a shit , makes me give a shit even if it's for a little while. a little goes a long way right? maybe so maybe not. before a simple hello from him would have my heart beating like crazy and i would have hope that even in this shaken road that i had someone to lend out a hand but now a simple hello is followed by nothing and i know that hand will not reach out for me. i do not hope for it anymore because the expectations i set always seem to be untouched no one can ever meet them and i always get crushed. have you noticed when this drift appeared? it happened too suddenly and i do not know how or when it manged to wedge in between us. i think i just realized how far we are from each other recently. i knew we were drifting but i think a mirror was placed between you and me. as i drifted you drifted off in a much faster pace and before i realized it you were at least 50 miles away when to my reflection was only 5. the world plays cruel jokes don't it and it's thought of to be such a great planet i mean come one there's fricken humans walking around it when the other plants just have ice or dirt. i want to find that silver lined cloud apparently every cloud has one but none that i see. where is the silver lining on the cloud of my worried friendship that probably isn't a friendship anymore? do you know what you have said basically as i translated what the words you have strung really said? it said who the hell cares about you i've got sunshine in my pocket. hmm perhaps it really isn't translated to that but really rehear or reread those words and tell me not it does send a strong hint that this is what it really means. you don't bother so why should i be the only one bothering? ahaha i told you as nice as i may appear to be at times i can be the complete opposite and if you fire away at me because of this then you have no idea the message you have sent to me. words everyone says them words everyone reads them words everyone hears them. most words are empty like promises made now. as this empty promises pop we pop. no more we no more us. all gone almost without a trace but the little soap stain that will disappear in a minute or two. ooooh scary aint it? you think you're so damn important more important than others the truth is...ladies and gentlemen beware now the truth hurts... YOU'RE NOT. you're value is not greater than anyone elses but it is the same so don't be sooooooo high and mighty..oh that's right though another truth in humans we are conceited and shallow some more than others but still we have those undeniable traits. that's right we judge others on wealth appearance power. in a glance we either close up or open up. you gotta stop and wonder who's real who's fake? but even the nicest person are they a good person?life is so difficult to figure out now eh? there are so many rules and exceptions to the rules and do's and don't's it's unbelievable. the world is a chaos with these rules set to prevent chaos. would the world be even more chaotic without them? who knows?i just think it's humans that make the world so chaotic. they're greedy. even as "pure innocent babies" we push out way out of our mothers wanting life then we grasp the air wanting the air to fill our lungs and the world to know HEY BITCHES I'M FINALLY HERE AFTER DEVELOPING IN MY MOTHER'S FRICKEN WOMB FOR NINE FUCKING MONTHS I'M HERE! mmhmm i'm greedy too. i want and want and want even if there's nothing left to want. i want to want something. woah that's major greed there. some people say wanting is like having a goal so when you want something you need to strive to get it. wanting and goal setting are two different things one you work for it and the other you don't do shit and hope it gets delivered to you on a platter. which is which? humans come with so many flaws maybe that's why each one of us has a set of problems. we are problematic.it sucks life can't be so perfect and the only thing getting in the way of a perfect life is us for humans are imperfect. boo hoo cry about it but it won't change the fact that we are so the best we can do is deal with it. some people can't deal with it well in fact a lot of people can't that's why we smoke leaves and munch magic pills and drink rotten juices/chemicals and everything else to self destruct ourselves. but i must admit the illusions that come after doing those things are pretty great we are put in a happy place that even if we have not changed we are content. that's i guess as good as it gets and i'm fine with that more or less. oh let's rank this from people that cannot deal with it to people that are better at dealing with it: suiciders then psychotic people that are locked up in the looney bin then drug addicts/alcohol addicts then people that always complain about dying but can't really get themselves to do so then those normal people whatever normal is then those people that make a name for themselves. yes but there's another exception as always anyone drug addict alcohol addict normal people complainy people mentally unstable people they can all change and make a name for themselves possibly if they tried to in a good way. ah as always hope is a ever shining beakon to all the lost. i am if i were to place myself somewhere low on that ranking sadly butas humans we edure every second we are alive on this earth with all this turmoil.

self destructive i don't care anymore
i fucked up
i'm tired i'm unstable i'm complicated
i suppose that since i fucked up i would stop doing the things that make me do shit i regret
but that is not the case
i wish my willpower was strong enough
but as i've said before i do not believe that love overcomes all
i will not deny my addictions my needyness my everything
i am a bitch a fucked up girl someone you would not want to be tangled up in
i'm insensitive and cunning
i am everything you should stay away from
i believe it is better that way then i will not hurt the ones i love and care about most
i will destroy others as i am destroying myself
i am in a mess now
i think i lost people that i love so much and it's my fault
i am complicated
i am psychotic
i am mentally damaged
i am ill
i am fucked up
i am a bitch
i am the boogie monster
i am misery
i am jealous
i am unhappy
i am terrified
i am looking for an easy way out
i am mentally weak
i am dependent on others
i am physically incapable
i am no longer how i used to be
i am no longer the daughter i once was
i am no longer the friend that can smile
i am lifeless
i am insecure
i am hard to understand
i am bitter
i am sour
i am empty
i am going through routine motions with no heart in it
i am somehow getting by
i am still breathing i wish i wasn't
i am a spoiled ungrateful litle brat
i am a girl that is fading
i am a drug and alcohol addict
i am a hypocrite
i am a monster
i am useless
i am ruining my own chances for happiness
i am stupid
i am immature
i am not ivy anymore
i am just so tired of the things i have to do i think it would just be easier to fall asleep and never wake up
i am self destructive.

that is who i am now

entricate skill

For a love that seems to be fading fast what is the remedy to make it last?
Perhaps it's gone already I'm holding on to remnants,
living in a engulfing nostalgic time
I said that I'm letting go without closure because I want to leave that bit of hope
but the truth is I'm not letting go at all and my hope is diminishing.
The only reason why I said it was so i wouldn't become a droning bother
so that way I could let the worries, the sadness, the unstablity live in me
after all how do you throw all your worries away?
It is a common phrase used by various people but who can really just throw all your worries away
how can you just simply toss out even one?
To forget is a entricate skill that has never been taught to us.
In school we learn things that we may or may not even use in the life we have ahead of us.
How is knowing how Ceasar died or why great nations fell going to help us in this "adult" world?
No one has ever taught how to use this beating organ inside of us or how to cease the thoughts that pain you
all you taught us was that the average beating human heart beating at 72 BPM will beat approximately 2.5 billion times during a lifespan of 66 years.
There is no how to forget classes or heartbreak 101
just classes on figuring out problems that are no where near as complicated as the ones in our minds and hearts.
Maybe if you teach us how to use it then we could go far in life;
maybe girls won't be sluts and guys won't be the biggest dealers of their time.
Because maybe they chose that path when life got too tough and love got to hard to understand.
Misunderstandings surround us.
We didn't get to choose how we wanted the world to be,
we didn't choose to have paper hearts and eyes that only read deception.
I wonder why people tell others to do things that they can't do or for the matter has never been done.
I wonder why we can make and create cures of all sorts of diseases but not make a cure for a broken heart,
it makes me wonder if this feeling is actually real or maybe it's just a figment of our imagination and no one has ever really been through true love.
And if that is the case then no one would know what love lost is.

a remedy for a love fading.
a mindset to just forget the things that pains us.
they seem so distant and out of reach
i suppose they're all conjured up in our minds, right?

what is love?

there are too many meanings and interpertations of this simple four lettered word

it is as complicated as life itself yet as simple as a smile

love amalgamates two people but it can also rip them apart

love, some people say, is cruel and others is sweet.

sometimes love remains and other times it is ephemeral

why is that?

why does love hurt more than a physical wound?

can't it be fair and just be sweet to everyone?

love is being able to tolerate

love is being able to trust

love is simply being happy with the person you care about

love is...

love is...

the list goes on.

when love hurts it's bound to come back creeping up on you

even when you don't want it you can't help your heartbeats

or when you instantly smile after thinking or seeing that special persons face

no we can never get away from this powerful word

this power is so often abused though

it's meaning is diminishing by the users

i love you and you and you oh and you too

it's getting worn.

because teens have made a superficial love that has spread and is so much more common

so it's hard to tell if you're in fact truly in love

one day you'll be all over someone whispering sweet words then the next you and i are strangers

generations just want to be older try to act mature enough for this complicated feeling

but in the end the butchered it

so what is love really?

it's far too tiring...

tell me everything will be alright close your eyes and dream of me tonight tell that you won't just fade away cross my heart and hope to die tonight i'll dream my pain away.

stumbling.

tripping.

falling.

oh so madly in love.

but how long can you hold on when you feel it's one sided?

rock bottom.

it's so frustrating. so disappointing. so everything.

from the start there was just all this talk talk talk talk talk.

and there were doubts at were brought up by friends.

shove them away, fuck that because sweet words made me deaf to everything else.

now i really can't believe half the things you say

i don't know if it's just this constant "talk"

maybe one day you'll realize maybe you won't

but it's not today or tomorrow that i know for sure.

i am no longer gonna run

whether i seem to fade out if you notice it then you do something about it

it happened because you didn't do anything about all of this

and i'm sick of people that can just talk and talk.

it doesn't cut it anymore.

i will let anyone else help me up unless you sincerly have thought it over.

help yourself first. i'm only here to help as much as i can but that does not mean i'll force you or lay out the path.

you're not a kid anymore.

.its on repeat again isn't it

wake up please . realize what's going on.

talk talk talk talk talk talk.

do you not see that you're driving yourself farther away

or the fact that you're looping yourrself in this cycle that you wished to get out of

you can make your own choices yeah

but i don't want to see you falter because of the same mistake

there are reasons

think about it think about what you are doing now

don't you see?

whatever pretty soon i'll let you see what mistake you made the hard way

and quite possibly i will not be there to comfort you

after all part of this mistake also includes mistrust and betrayal

watch it. i'm here now but i'm fading from the choices you make.

i am no longer
gone away
i'm not strong
there's is no more playing cool or keeping it in anymore
things are spinning out of control
things are flying zooming by
there is no more oh i don't care
because i care more than anything
i shouldn't get so worked up over it
but i'm so sick of it
haha you had your laughs now SHUT THE FUCK UP please...
your ever piercing eyes never leave
your echoing laugh haunts me
fingers pointed target locked
i wish i could erase my existance from this pityful plant where the words happiness, peace, love and hope are only a fragment of every wilting flowers
there are only a few to make me reconsider my wish
these days aren't so swell
in fact they don't come close to happy or content
people keep pushing it
i'm giving in to all their shit stupid weak coward WAKE THE FUCK UP
i know i know whatever
i listen to the words taht fly out of peoples mouth no it's not supposed to bother me because they don't know shit about you and that it's not true but it does bother me
i hate being placed into this outline of what people think i am because of my looks my bad habits my flaws
who the hell are you to judge me? exactly but why do i care? why do those words hit me so hard?
offensive. they hurt more than if i were to be gutted.
i feel so done with everything
i hate living in this fake judgemental world where all that matters is power wealth and outside appearance
you don't know shit about anything
so laugh it up before you get crushed too by the same people that laughed with you
the world is small he will find a way to break you down
and she will find a way to rip you apart
and they will find a way to make you feel so low
that's the fucking world you live in
you say you'll rise above haha just keep trying let's see how far you can go
when betrayal envy hate is so strong.

i am not a doll waiting on your shelf
waiting waiting constantly waiting for the day the child will once again hold me.

















i will soon make the decision, you have been putting off , for you
step out so that your view is clearer. the hurt is nothing that i haven't felt before
i will with time control it and soothe it. so don't worry if you see tears they'll stop falling when there are no tears left to cry.

if we could just be immobile for sometime

and finally figure out the way we feel about the missing puzzle pieces and cloudy question marks that still look a bit sureal


tired from lack of sleep
hungry from lack of food
i am fading

dependent on sleeping pills that don't help
hoodia and vitamin pills that doesn't help me reach my goal of gaining weight
coffee to keep me more alert throughout the day
cigarettes to soothe my plusing head to curve my hunger

i want to sleep but my eyes don't close
my head is clouded with nightmares and what ifs
i want to eaet but my throat closes up
whatever i force feed my stomach rejects

coffee because i can't be zoning out i have so much to do in a day even if it's summer
cigarettes because my head hurts, my heart rises and drops too quickly
hoodia and cigarettes to stop making me feel so hungry
vitamin pills and other supplements because i need essential minerals and vitamins to keep me from breaking

i am a sickly child
but even so i can't be bothered about these habits because there is one thing that clouds my mind

i want to hit just to see if you'd cry

you frustrate me and make me wonder. you make me smile and feel like nothing else matters.
lately i've been wondering what i am to you exactly
because at times it's clear and other times, now more than ever,it's blurry and i can't figure it out.
maybe it's the way i am, my high expectations do i expect too much?
i expect an effort i expect to see you try
maybe you are trying but i can't see it
i'm always reasoning why you don't do certain things that i wish you would do
we clearly think differently as we are two different people
but there are some common grounds between you and i.
you might be wondering why i've slowly stopped doing some things
maybe you haven't noticed either way
it's because i'm preparing myself so that if i am not the person you are looking for anymore
it won't hurt as much so slowly i'll stop sending you how my days were, good morning text every morning, and so on
sometimes i feel like i'm running after you and you're jogging away from me you're not running away or walking so that i can catch you
but jogging not sure whether to run to walk
i feel pretty fucking pathetic sometimes because i'm trying so hard
i kind of don't want to care if i don't get a text from you just because i didn't text you first
i kind of don't want to be the one that always makes that bus trip to see you
but i reason it with well you're busy it's summer y'know friends sleeping late...
or no one makes me take the bus all the way there, everyone we hang out with lives on that side so why would i make you take the bus[which we both hate] just to see me....
then when i think that i feel so insignificant and i really just don't want to care anymore.
i don't care if you still talk to your ex if you're still friends with her or that she's still someone you care about.
that's a good thing that you're still friends.
but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared that you'll go back to her
it doesn't mean i won't get jealous and at times sick of it

there are things i just can't stand because of the past
in my eyes this situation can very well turn into a deja vu situation
that's what i'm scared ofthat and so much more.
i compared myself to karissa and i'm comparing myself to lindsey
and i'm sure just like karissa knew much more about mike
that lindsey knows much more about you
they>me
i get it. whatever.they're different than me. i am a completely different person.
it doesn't change the fact that i love you like she does
i won't say i love you more because the word love has so many meanings

even if i slowly stop doing the things i do like text everyday don't worry it doesn't mean that i love you less than i did yesterday or a week before if anything i love you more but my heart can only handle so much heartbreak. loving you more means me being more vulnervable. it means that my heart is getting lifted higher and higher. the higher it goes that bigger the impact if it were to be dropped. it's been lifted pretty high right now and when you do something that makes me have to wonder it drops but then it gets caught in a net and gets lifted back up again. this process repeats.it's really nerve-racking and i'm just so afraid...





possibly too afraid still
even if i ignored some of my fears and loved you there are still things that make me tremble
as i think about everything when i can't sleep on those late nights.
i seriously don't know what i should do
wait more or slink away